'Dancing with the Stars' - guy with awesome first name gets eliminated

I'm playing catch up here, but yes, Albert Reed, whoever that is, was eliminated last night on "Dancing with the Stars" - not a huge loss all things considered (other than my prediction being wrong, a rare occurrence indeed). The real tragedy is saying bye to Anna Trebunskaya, his awesome professional partner. Fellow "DwtS" historians remember that she was Jerry Rice's spunky, fiery, redheaded, Eastern European partner in season two. She missed the last couple of seasons, so it was great to have her back, albeit fleetingly.

'Dancing with the Stars' - Wayne whorled

Wayne Newton getting the lowest score yet (15) on season five of "Dancing with the Stars" is, of course not surprising. What also should not be surprising is him staying past Tuesday's elimination show - the Jerry Springer/Cliff Clavin rule of sympathetic old men states very clearly that he's got at least a couple more weeks of life left in him.

So who gets the boot? I'm not quite as sure as I was last week with Josie Maran, but let's look at the stats. With so many of the guys doing so much worse than the women, and so many of the guys being complete unknowns, I gotta go with one of the - Albert Reed, Cameron Mathison and Floyd Mayweather all notched 21s, but they're handsome men (crucial for the "DwtS" demographic), so I can't see any of them going out second week. Although given his obvious name value, I don't feel great about it, but I'll have to go with Mark Cuban - sure, he's famous, but much like season 3 first exit Tucker Carlson, more people will want to see him fail than actually vote for him, plus he got the second-to-lowest score (18). It'll be a shame be cause that means no more Kym Johnson. Another reason to hate Mark Cuban.

Sad to see Jennie Garth biff that move at the end there, I guess she was in tears afterwards. Wah!

'Dancing with the Stars' - Maran out of town

My absolutely unparalleled "Dancing with the Stars" prediction rate remains as accurate as ever - Josie Maran was indeed the first person out on tonight's elimination show. She joins an illustrious group - Paulina Porizkova, Tucker Carlson, Kenny Mayne and original "Bacheorette" Trista Rehn Sutter. Heroes, all. Well, Josie, at least you're not a quitter like that Jimmy from "Kid Nation."

'Dancing with the Stars' - Hélio: (not) phoned in

Julianne Hough, who, aside from being adorable, won last year's "DwtS" alongside Apolo Anton Ohno, got the highest score tonight - with her and her partner, some guy I've never heard of (Hélio Castroneves, apparently a race car driver of some kind), leaping in front of the other dudes I've never heard of with a 25 (one point short of Sabrina Bryan's 26 Monday night).

Poor Josie Maran is still the worst, although, unsurprisingly, Floyd Mayweather and Wayne Newton also did pretty poorly (18 and 19, respectively). Maran is still the easy pick for first elimination Wednesday night. As a Phoenix Suns fan, though, the temptation is to root for Mark Cuban to somehow spontaneously combust during the elimination show. And that's not even mentioning his alarmingly offensive hobo routine.

But seriously, who are these dudes? Cameron Mathison? Albert Reed? To quote someone doing a crappy Jerry Seinfeld impression, "who are these people?" How is it that as this show gets more popular, the celebrities get worse? Are they just running out of people that we've heard of that are willing to devote time to learning how to dance and stuff? "Dancing with the Stars," season six, featuring one of the non-Nicole Scherzinger members of Eden's Crush and the reanimated corpse of Richard Mulligan!

'Dancing with the Stars' - Josie grossie

Though co-host Samantha Harris was busy having a baby or something today, "Dancing with the Stars" is back. Of course, being a recognized international "Dancing with the Stars" expert (I talked about the show on the Shane Foxman show on CFUN in Vancouver, after all), I was watching.

First of all, I know they like to milk ratings, but six dances in 90 minutes is really pretty pathetic. That's like 12 minutes of dancing, a really disappointing dancerate. That's a lot of Tom Bergeron (and Drew Lachey, filling in for Harris) padding.

Sabrina Bryan, despite not being someone I've ever heard of, was surprisingly awesome, and they netted a 26 - a tie for the best first-week score ever with season three's powerhouse Mario Lopez/Karina Smirnoff team. Jennie Garth was there. Jane Seymour and Marie Osmond were pleasant enough for people old enough to be my mother - it's nice to see older women on the show for a change, as we've always gotten old dudes (Peterman, George Hamilton, Jerry Springer, Cliff Claven).

Josie Maran, with her 16 out of 30, is an easy pick for the first cut, and I can say that pretty confidently even before any of the men have performed. Despite being terribly attractive, no one knows who she is (Shandi Finnessey syndrome), and she got a freakin' 16 out of 30. Women have a harder time on the show with voters anyway (the voters love hot men/adorably old men), and even if Wayne Newton's hip explodes tomorrow, I still see her getting the first boot.

Manic Monday

Huge, huge, HUGE night tonight. At 7 on CBS, we've got the third season premiere of "How I Met Your Mother," which features the achingly handsome Enrique Iglesias and the ever-effervescent Mandy Moore (playing, hi-lariously, AGAINST TYPE! as a tattooed bad girl) and returns to the single Ted on the prowl action we've all missed.

Then, AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, we've got the series premiere of "Chuck," which of course we've all been looking forward to for months. Well, we've all been seeing promos for it on NBC during "Office" repeats for months, at least. And lots of banner ads online. He's the secret, she's the agent - did you know that? Call me crazy, but I think sparks are going to FLY between those two! Plus, always good to see a "Less Than Perfect" alum in a starring role.

And then, yes, AT THAT SAME EXACT TIME AS THE OTHER TWO SHOWS, there's the fifth season premiere of the almighty "Dancing with the Stars." Aside from Kelly Taylor and Dr. Quinn, the celebrities are all pretty lame this season (Mark Cuban? Wayne Newton? A bunch of people I've never heard of?), but at this point I'm into it more for the professional dancers, as I've become big fans of a lot of them - so psyched to see Anna Trebunskaya back in the mix! And also, um, I like football. I am a manly man! I won't watch "The Bachelor," though. I have my limits.

Then at 8 p.m., of course, the big return of "Heroes" for a second season, which is really just a countdown until Kristen Bell shows up for me. Well, Masi Oka in samurai garb, as seen on the cover of this week's EW, is also pretty alluring.

And then there's "The Big Bang Theory," "Journeyman" and other things I probably won't watch. Is it at least somewhat depressing that the new CBS sitcom is the second thing that pops up when you Google "the big bang theory." I mean, you would hope that at least, say, the top three results were for the actual scientific theory.

And, if I were writing cheesy headlines about tonight's new shows, they'd read like this: "Subscribe to 'The Big Bang Theory,'" "You should be 'up' with 'Chuck" and "Take a trip with 'Journeyman.'" If they suck, just add "not" or "don't" to those.

Cliff jumping

John Ratzenberger has brought balance to the Force. The former Cliff Clavin has taken Vincent Pastore’s place on “Dancing with the Stars,” so in case you couldn’t sleep, worried sick that the show wouldn’t have a 60-year-old* former TV star, you can rest easy tonight!

Ratzenberger (not to be confused with the Pope, I think his name is “Ratzinger”) has most recently been heard – not seen – in all the Pixar movies. So kids across America will probably be disappointed when they find out its some older dude, not Hamm from “Toy Story,” cutting rugs on ABC.

*In the interest of fairness, Razenberger doesn’t turn 60 until April 6. Additionally, I thought he’d be older than that by now.

Lopez dispensed

Congratulations to the least embarrassing former NFL player in the news today!

Emmitt Smith "ran" away with the title, "touching down" with the trophy. Right? Mario Lopez was probably more solid throughout the season, but I think Emmitt passed him up as far as charisma and people were probably tiring of Mario's obvious headstart in terms of dance training. And when it comes to a duel between a Super Bowl champion and someone on "Saved By the Bell," it's fairly obvious who America is going to choose. Of course, a Latino going down to defeat through popular vote is probably just a reflection of growing anti-immigration sentiment.

It's nice to see Jesse Spano (and Kelly Kapowski!) showing up to cheer A.C. Slater. Besides this and all of Zach Morris' adventurous dramatic roles on short-lived/about to end TV series, it's obvious that they've all turned out to be pretty decent people. Except that one guy.

Cowboy up

Justin: who won DWTS
Albert: We won't know until tomoz
Justin: oh that's right
Justin: do you have an expert prediction
Albert: Emmitt
Albert: he's making a "run" for the championship
Justin: hee hee
Albert: I expect that trophy to "touch" "down" in his hands
Justin: Lopez: (Pacific) Blue Because He Lost

The greatest love story on TV this season is between Mario Lopez and Bruno Tonioli.

Of course they end up tied. Truly, it really is in our hands! Doesn't really seem right to me, since I think Emmitt's freestyle smoked Mario's, but whatev.

Voters: Whoa is Joey

Not a surprise - Mario Lopez and Emmitt Smith are way more charismatic, lovable, and you know, better dancers. Joey was good, and seemingly a very nice kid, but Mario and Emmitt has been the obvious choice for the finals for the long time. It's also a second-to-last elimination that makes sense, unlike last year when the adorable Stacy Keibler got booted before not one but TWO less talented "hoofers." Plus, seeing a white person cut in favor of a black man and a Latino makes me feel like we were transported to that "White Man's Burden" universe. And it feels good.

Oh, how awkward, I see I've missed a couple of eliminations. Eek. How about "Voters: Spring Jerry" and "Voters: Give her lump of Coleman"? Maybe it's good I missed them.

Nothing's shocking

From the ABC DwtS WS (Web site):

In a shocking new twist, no one is sent home. Instead, bottom finishers Jerry Springer and Joey Lawrence get to dance another day! Who will make it to the final four?

That is actually the most unshocking thing they could have done. Let's hope they don't spread this style of marketing to the rest of their programming.

"In a shocking 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition,' the home being extremely made over is for the family of some sick kid!"

You can't dance if you want to

So they're not going to give Willa Ford a stay of execution? No elimination this week? Awkward. We'll see how that plays out.

Mario Lopez talking about being happy that "an old friend and a new friend got to meet" in regards to Eva Longoria and his partner, Karina Smirnoff, sounded way less innocent than they intended. Unless he did intend it. Hot.

Jerry Springer remaining in is goofy, yes, but given that his partner, Kym Johnson, is probably the hottest pro dancer in "DwtS" history, I can deal. It's a tough competition, for sure, but sorry, Mario, I think Karina is somewhere towards the bottom of the pack. She looks sort of, you know, like an alien.

I'm excited to see Tom Bergeron, Investigative Journalist.

Channel Surfing for Tuesday, October 17

Joy! It's the one-year anniversary of "The Colbert Report." I remember certain people telling me about this time last year that it wouldn't last; who's laughing now, girl behind me in line at the Bank of America inside of the Fry's on McClintock and Baseline in Tempe?

There's also...other stuff on TV. Like this:

Help Me Help You
8:30 p.m., ABC
Tim Meadows and Michael McKean guest star, helping you remember the worst season in “Saturday Night Live” history.

Seriously, it was rough. And don't forget about "Dancing with the Stars," where Sara Evans is doing an interview explaining why she dropped out (well, the PG-"DwtS" version, I guess, probably not much talk about pictures of erect penises). Oh what a night! And I haven't even gotten to Ed Begley, Jr. - Stan Sitwell himself - on "Veronica Mars."

Read about all this here. Or go buy a paper, you cheap bastiches. There's an especially enlightening "Frank and Ernest" tomorrow.

Evans: No

Sara Evans has quit "Dancing with the Stars"! At least she went out with a respectable performance. Does this mean Willa Ford gets a reprieve, or will there just not be an elimination next week (unlikely). If the former is the case, can I re-use my "Voters: Escort Ford" subject header?

"It is too bad because dance has a really healing quality to it as well, and I think the family of DWTS could be a great support system for her," Carrie Ann Inaba told Us Weekly.

Wow, she's trying really hard to be nice. Sounds painful.

Here are some of the gory details of Evans' divorce, supposedly the reason she dropped out.

Here is my favorite:

-Evans claims that Schelske keeps more than 100 photos of Schelske "posing with his erect penis"

A victimless crime, right?

Voters: Escort Ford

Willa Ford is the fifth one out on "Dancing with the Stars." At first glimpse it seems pretty unfair given that she got a tied-for-first 27 this week and a 28 this past week, but it's actually a pretty talented field this time out (she was tied with three other people this week, after all) and really, no one cares about Willa Ford. Her "who is that person again?" factor is maybe even higher than Monique Coleman, who is at least distinguished for something that took place in the last five years.

Jerry Springer is worse, but apparently he still has a lot of fans (although when was the last time you heard someone talk about his show? 1998?) and there's probably at least a little bit of the vote for the worst mentality going on. Sara Evans is also less talented, but she has middle America in her pocket and actualy didn't suck this week. Although I do think this is the first time anyone's been eliminated after having the highest score the week before. Maybe she shouldn't have severely pulled her hair back so unflatteringly so many times.

But Willa, you'll always have this, your crowning moment...slutting it up and singing like a robot.

Voters: Fox trot yourself out of here

Another weird elimination this week. Not only is Jerry Springer still alive and kicking (albeit barely), the oddly lifeless Sara Evans is sticking around, too.

But the real surprise is Vivica A. Foxgetting the ol' heave. Though this is another elimination I'd like to chalk up to racism, but with Monique Coleman - who has had very similar scores - still on, it seems that Vivica A. Fox is just not as popular as she was in her "Independence Day" hey...day (was that her heyday? or was it "Set It Off" or "Soul Food"?). Sad news for her.

Glaring with the stars

Mario Lopez was INTENSE while the judges were talking to him tonight. I've never seen him look so butch. Here's a dramatization:

ITALIAN GUY: Mareeeeeeo! You are the LATEEN LOVER OF THE DANCE FLOOR. WE SHOULD MAKE OUT RIGHT NOW.

SLATER: [stares]

BRITISH GUY: Jolly good performance, guv'nuh!

SLATER: [stares]

ASIAN CHICK: Wow, that was really good. My life has been changed because of that performance. It was something before that dance, and now it's different.

SLATER: [stares]

That's what happens when you mess with a former "Pacific Blue" cast member like they did last week. Speaking of Carrie Ann Inaba, did she gain 10 years since last episode or what? Sista looked tired.

Sara Evans is not long for this show.

Voters: Harry, away

Poor Ashly DelGrosso. The adorable Mormon dancer once again had a disappointing performance on "Dancing with the Stars;" this time her partner was Harry Hamlin was eliminated ("DwtS" superfans remember she was saddled with Master P last time, and finished third out of six with former New Kid Joey McIntyre for the original go 'round).

Harry Hamlin is kind of a blah choice, he wasn't the worst (Jerry Springer and Emmitt Smith both got lower scores this week), but he was never in the upper echelon, and he's simply not as compelling - stirring turns as amoral murderers aside - as his big-lipped wife. Unfortunate, that.

Voters: Meet the Eliminated-ers

Shanna Moakler, who along with pro partner Jesse DeSoto performed better than four other teams Tuesday, is the second person gone from "Dancing with the Stars."

It came down to her and Willa Ford - the obvious implication being that the American voting populace doesn't care much for skanky blondes. Or people they've never heard of before.

The most offensive thing about Moakler is that she's apparently only 31 - there's a lot of wear and tear on that face. She looks like Morgan Fairchild's only slightly younger sister. Slightly.

So Jerry Springer, who a lot of people picked as an early elimination, sticks around - not that surprising given his loyal, powerful and motivated white trash fan base and the fact that he really isn't all that bad.

I hope not too many of Mario Lopez's housewife/old person fans watched him on "Nip/Tuck" last night - they might have been a little disturbed by seeing him suck fat out of Julian McMahon's butt (surgically, of course).

Speaking of her, is anyone watching that myNetworkTV stuff? Anyone? At all? Ever? Even for a second, by accident?

Voters: Go Tuck(er Carlson) yourself

In a move only shocking to people who are completely incapable of not being shocked, Tucker Carlson is the first person out on "Dancing with the Stars." It's sad that he never got a chance to use the line "Political pundit? More like political fundit!" I guess he can now go back to ruining America.