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Motion to strike

OK, so those guys are on strike (photography by Albert Ching, by the way).

But guess who's back! That's right! Me! To celebrate the occasion, here's a clip of Angel returning in season three of "Buffy."

Talk balk

In under a week, we've had two famously awkward talk show confrontations - Paris Hilton on "The Late Show with David Letterman" Friday and "Hardball" host Chris Matthews on "The Daily Show" Tuesday. Like 99% of America, I thought the Paris Hilton interview was pretty funny - I mean, really, who was expecting probing (no pun intended) questions about her perfume? But the "TDS" bit was a little harder to take for me. It seemed more like Jon Stewart was taking issue with Darrell Hammond's Chris Matthews impression than the actual guy himself, who seems like a pretty cool dude. Sure, "Life's A Campaign" sounds like a pretty dumb book, but Stewart never explained - or gave Matthews a chance to explain - beyond what's in the title. It'd be like having the author of the "The Neverending Story" on and complaining about the fact that it did, indeed, end. I've preferred "The Colbert Report" to "TDS" for a while now, and this further illustrates why - in having Matthews on for seemingly no reason to take him to task and not give him much of a chance to respond, he sort of becomes what he satires.

So, much like celebrity deaths, it stands to reason that awkward talk show encounters come in threes. So what's next? Looking at upcoming lineups, I'm gonna guess Josh Duhamel on "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" on Friday. That is just an explosive controversy waiting to happen.

In case you missed them (the "TDS" one will probably be yanked by Viacom sooner rather than later):

Comedy can be funny

Comedy Central has made some head-scratching moves lately, like renewing "Li'l Bush" - I can see renewing "Mind of Mencia," which they also did, because I guess there's people out there that like it - but "Li'l Bush"? Is there really another season worth of material out there? Isn't he going to be out of office soon? Wasn't this show a better idea like, seven years ago, when they did have a Bush-themed show that was pretty funny? They also canceled "The Showbiz Show," which I don't really care about and wouldn't have been such a big deal if not compounded with this other news (I would take a million "Showbiz Show"s over one frame of "MoM"). I also fear that the "Michael Ian Black Doesn't Understand" project might be DOA; I haven't heard anything about it in months.

But, Wednesday nights, it's all good, because tonight "South Park" and "The Sarah Silverman Program" are back with new episodes (props to CC for not putting new South Parks with the execrable fellow animated series "Drawn Together"). I've seen a lot of Sarah Silverman the past 24 hours, on Letterman last night, "The View" this morning (I watched it only because I knew she'd be on - honest!) and I even heard her sniffing Richard Christy's balls on Howard Stern today. Hopefully I won't be too sick of her saying naughty things while talking in a little girl voice by the time her show comes on.

'Dancing with the Stars' - guy with awesome first name gets eliminated

I'm playing catch up here, but yes, Albert Reed, whoever that is, was eliminated last night on "Dancing with the Stars" - not a huge loss all things considered (other than my prediction being wrong, a rare occurrence indeed). The real tragedy is saying bye to Anna Trebunskaya, his awesome professional partner. Fellow "DwtS" historians remember that she was Jerry Rice's spunky, fiery, redheaded, Eastern European partner in season two. She missed the last couple of seasons, so it was great to have her back, albeit fleetingly.

'House' 4.2 - Scottsdale brat

What a huge bummer to find out that Cameron and Chase hadn't really moved to Scottsdale (480 shoutout what what), it was just a playful gambit on the part of one James Wilson. I was all excited to call them up, maybe take in dinner at Cowboy Ciao or hit Martini Ranch, then grab some late night grub at Mickey's Hangover. Pity.

This was a really super great episode, with plenty of comic relief from the team of wannabes (referring to them exclusively by number sorta reminded me of "Gossip Girl" characters calling each other "S" and "B"). A black Mormon, wha? It stretches believability somewhat that a dude with no medical degree could get that far in the interview process, but I guess House was serious about not reading resumes.

Looks like Kal Penn is going to be a series regular - I knew he had that bold, experimental style that House was looking for! Good for him, I mean, between this and the will hotly anticipated "Harold & Kumar 2," we're in a new era of Penntasticness. But it also sounds pretty awkward, given that it doesn't exactly take a world-renowned diagnostician to see that Chase, Cameron and Foreman will be back on staff soon.

Primitive notion

It's here! On TV, right now! "Cavemen," the show that is so bad they won't let critics see it, the show with the worse buzz since "Baby Bob." Maybe a little worse, actually. Let's see how long I can last with it - personally, I'm surprised that it wasn't canceled before the west coast airing.

7:03 p.m. - Wow, this is a very ugly show. Both the way it's shot and the makeup of the characters.

7:04 p.m. - OMG, Nick Swardson! I like him! Not that his presence indicates quality. He was in "The Benchwarmers."

7:07 p.m. - So, what's the plot of this show, exactly? That this show takes place in some sort of alternate universe where somehow there are cavemen that have survived today but are otherwise in every way like anyone else except for having crappy makeup applied to their faces? And other than that, the world is exactly the same? That's the kind of thing that's not important in a 30-second commercial, but on a series, will start to seem even stupider than it obviously is. So is Swardson a regular character on this show or what?

7:10 p.m. - "Carpoolers" (which I didn't realize until right now stars the patriarch from "Sons and Daughters") looks like it won't be much better; at least this has some sort of a (lame) hook. I probably won't find out. I probably won't find out what the next 20 minutes of this is like, either.

7:27 p.m. - I turned it back on and caught the end. It's not like this show is SO bad - though it is quite bad - but it's more, like, what the heck is the point? The best jokes are just ones about three dudes, and at that point the caveman gimmick seems wholly unnecessary. But since it is such an obnoxious and intrusive element, it's not like you could get past that - and for all the times the cavemen aspect is played up, there's hardly even any creepy, vaguely racist overtones people were crowing about. No buys.

The doctor is inane

By some terrible stroke of luck, I ended up seeing the first three minutes of the initial"Dr. Steve-O" episode Monday night - and, just in that short time, it officially beat out Fuse's "Rad Girls" as the most loathsome show I've seen on "actual" TV in quite a while. And keep in mind that "Rad Girls" is mainly just women in bikinis vomiting.

The show opens with a jaunty musical number explaining the premise of the show (because apparently it's fairly complex). Basically, "Jackass" vet "Dr." Steve-O helps "wussies" (and yes, that's the word they use. because, you know, people actually say that) become, well, less wussy. To make things even worse, it's giving Trishelle work.

'Dancing with the Stars' - Wayne whorled

Wayne Newton getting the lowest score yet (15) on season five of "Dancing with the Stars" is, of course not surprising. What also should not be surprising is him staying past Tuesday's elimination show - the Jerry Springer/Cliff Clavin rule of sympathetic old men states very clearly that he's got at least a couple more weeks of life left in him.

So who gets the boot? I'm not quite as sure as I was last week with Josie Maran, but let's look at the stats. With so many of the guys doing so much worse than the women, and so many of the guys being complete unknowns, I gotta go with one of the - Albert Reed, Cameron Mathison and Floyd Mayweather all notched 21s, but they're handsome men (crucial for the "DwtS" demographic), so I can't see any of them going out second week. Although given his obvious name value, I don't feel great about it, but I'll have to go with Mark Cuban - sure, he's famous, but much like season 3 first exit Tucker Carlson, more people will want to see him fail than actually vote for him, plus he got the second-to-lowest score (18). It'll be a shame be cause that means no more Kym Johnson. Another reason to hate Mark Cuban.

Sad to see Jennie Garth biff that move at the end there, I guess she was in tears afterwards. Wah!

Digital divide

So, all the buzz from the 114th "SNL" season premiere was about the Kanye West sketch, which indeed was hilarious, but this was the highlight for me - the 1-second Jake Gyllenhaal cameo merely being the icing on an uproarious cake. Of note: This sketch was posted on YouTube by NBC themselves this weekend, but was taken down by the network - weird, perhaps there's some sort of "Dear Sister"-esque controversy behind it I'm not aware of.



I thought there was actually plenty of funny stuff in this episode - Will Forte saying "The Black ET" repeatedly, the sketch where Bill Hader says "JEFF!" and "I get it" to Jason Sudeikis, the return of Penelope, the mildly funny HSM3 sketch - could be worse. I really like Samberg, Hader and Sudeikis, and hope they continue to, you know, be funny (and be in quality summer movies).

UPDATE: Yes, there is some sort of controversy, involving an uncleared Aphex Twin sample used in the sketch. Bummer.

Script doctors

Albert: I can't wait for a Penelope movie
Albert: she could interact with other movie characters
Justin: I have 102 dalmations. so
Albert: she'd be like, Luke Skywalker, I blew up fifty Death Stars this morning, so
Albert: no one can refuse any of my offers ever, so
Justin: ~~~~~~~~~
Albert: let's write the script
Albert: Wiig can play multiple characters a la Norbit
Albert: Penelope can go to Target
Justin: whoa ho
Albert: and run into the two a-holes
Albert: and the Joe Schmo household
Justin: you look like a rabbit
Albert: so you're in right
Albert: for writing this script
Justin: absolutely
Justin: let me bring up a famous movie quotes page and get cracking
Albert: it'd be the Ali G Indahouse of Kristen Wiig
Justin: "I invented walkin' here, so"
Justin: "my name is also James Bond, James Bond the first, so"
Justin: "I can't be back because I never left, so"
Justin: "my mama also always said that life is like a box of chocolates, and she made me boxes of chocolates and she made the chocolate and the boxes, so"
Justin: "they were actually talkin' to me, people are always, talkin'. to me. just something they like to do. be talkin' to me. so"
Albert: yessss
Albert: "I actually give a damn even less than you, so"
Justin: "I phoned my home too, so. just phoned them up, so. and I'm also an alien, so."
Albert: "my home's a little bit nicer than yours, so, you know, just a little bit better, so"
Albert: "I'm mad, too, and also not going to take it anymore, so, in fact, I decided that a little earlier than you, so, I was mad first, so"
Justin: "and I get unlimited minutes, so. my phone calls to other planets are free, so. it's a really good deal, just the best possible deal for phone calls, so"
Albert: "I'm not even mad, more like furious, so, you know, I'm the maddest person ever, in history, so"
Justin: "Mrs Robinson was actually trying to seduce me, so. people are always trying to seduce me, just something that's always happening, to me. so."
Albert: "I ate his liver, too, I've eaten everyone's livers, actually, everyone in history, so, there aren't any more livers left, because I ate them all"
Justin: I love the smell of napalm at any time of day, so. I have napalm-scented candles in my house that I light, so. and I'm made of napalm
Albert: "I've also always depended on the kindness of strangers, I invented the concept of strangers, yeah, before me, everyone knew each other, so, you know, pretty important"
Justin: I could've been even more of a contender, so. I was ranked #1 on the list of the top 100000 contenders in the world, so.
Albert: I actually raided this arc a long time before you, so, it's not lost any more, so, you know, actually I raided all the arcs, in the world, and some imaginary ones, too, so
Justin: people in space can hear me scream, so. because I invented a machine that lets people in space hear you, so. when I scream in space people can hear me, so. just, helpful, and convenient.
Albert: I actually can handle the truth, I won a contest, for best truth handler, in the world, ever, so, you know, pretty good at handling the truth
Justin: I built it and they already came, so. already did .. that, just something I decided to do, before now, so.
Albert: every time a bell rings, I get wings, too, so, not just angels, it's me too, I've got like, trillions of wings. so
Justin: I cooked what she's having, so. and I invented the recipe for it, so. and I own this whole restaurant, and everything on the menu makes people act like they're having an orgasm, so.
Justin: I'm the actual king of the world, so. won the election, for it. everyone voted for me for king of the world, so. just something I won, which is nice.
Albert: I have my own island, full of dinosaurs, it's in my bedroom, so, you know, a little more dinosaurs than here, different species, and you know, it's a little safer than this place, people really like it
Justin: Soylent Green is me, so
Justin: I'm the actual luckiest man on the face of the earth, so. just have the most, luck, which is nice, so.
Albert: I actually already showed him the money, so, you know, no need for you to do that, it's taken care of
Albert: you don't need a bigger boat, really, I'm a boat, the biggest boat ever built, so
Justin: OMG I was just working on one for having the biggest boat in the world so

'The Office' 4.1 - Rabid fanbase

Hey, Jim and Pam are together! That should make the "JAM" "'shippers" happy. Though now, thanks to the wisdom of Kevin Malone, we've got a much better Pam and Jim portmanteau - PB&J.

Compared to previous "Office" season premieres, "The Dundies" and "Gay Witch Hunt," this was pretty weaksauce. Now, I thought it was very, very, good, but it just felt a little too silly and over the top at times, I guess - a giant check made out to "science" is funny, sure, but a little out of tone for The Office. Same with Andy taping up his nipples (I am one of the biggest Andy fans around, but that was not his shining moment). That compounded with Pam walking in on naked Michael and yet another motivational speech from Pam to Michael, it all just started to feel a little tiresome.

It's weird - I liked all the supersized and hourlongs in the past, and I always heard people say that they were too long or dragged or whatever. I was like "no way! More of something I like!" But last night I felt they might have a point.

Obviously there were plenty of great moments - all the Dwangela stuff, anything Kevin did, the clever references to the camera, some great wordplay like "a little stitious" and the Jeopardy thing - but it felt, to me, liked it lacked a certain something that makes The Office not just extremely funny, but also one of the best shows on TV.

There has to be something more to Jim and Pam, too. I'm completely confident that the writers wouldn't finally get them together just to have them act exactly like they did in season one and two, other than occasionally being caught holding hands. Unless that's the idea, I guess.

It's relative subparness was compounded by airing on the same night as an exception "My Name Is Earl" series premiere ("If you ask me, the Civil War never ended, we're just at halftime) and two awesome "IASIP"s (Judy Greer is the queen of clever sitcom cameos).

Share of devils in this angel town

Officially psyched. Haha, "implants." I get it!

Darkly Shopping Dexter

There's a red-dyed fountain outside of the Barnes and Noble at Desert Ridge Marketplace right now, to promote the second season of "Dexter" (which starts Sunday), in some novel viral marketing. Some jerk wrote about it here. If I had time, I'd totally make the 35-40 minute drive out there to take a picture of it, and post it here, but I don't, so I won't. Sad, I know.

Ratings: Addiset back

Why are you so smiley, Kate Walsh? Sure, you're starring in a new TV show and went to the same high school as my mom, but "Private Practice" kind of, you know, bombed in the ratings last night, getting beat by "Bionic Woman." "BW" got a 5.5 in 18-49s, with "PP" only netting a 5.1. "BW" has actually popped the highest rating for a new series so far all fall (and for some reason I don't see, say, "Carpoolers," giving it a run for its money), and on viewership-starved NBC probably means that it's practically already been renewed. Obviously, the second week is the "real test" for both these shows. Neither show is lighting the critical world on fire, though; I was lukewarm to "BW," and the 10 minutes or so I saw (mainly by accident) of "PP" was plenty. Also apparently atrocious: "Big Shots," debuting tonight.

'Bionic Woman' 1.1 - Dismemberment plan

"Bionic Woman" was probably my most anticipated fall show this year, for one pretty good reason - it's produced by David Eick, who, along with Ronald Moore, is responsible for the totally rad "Battlestar Galactica" remake. Of course, "Bionic Woman" follows the same rough formula - it's a super-serious reimagining of a cheesy '70s sci-fi show, where the basic concepts and some character names are kept and everything else is built from the ground up. The fact that Mae Whitman, aka Annie McNoFace, was cast to play the title character's deaf younger sister, was just a bonus (though she got recasted and the character regained her hearing somewhere along the way).

Other than behind-the-scenes stuff, the similarities to "BSG" are rather readily apparent - Katee "Kara 'Starbuck' Thrace" Sackhoff in a prominent role as the evil bionic woman, what looked to be the same font in the opening credits, and hey, even the Chief for a scene.

It's probably unfair to endlessly compare "BW" to "BSG," but let's do it for a while anyway. "BW" doesn't seem nearly as capable as working on the different levels "BSG" operates on - what with the political intrigue and real world parallels and all that. That doesn't mean "BW" doesn't have potential as a sci-fi/action series, but being a good sci-fi/action series isn't really what most people like about "BSG." At this point, "Bionic Woman" seems a lot tidier and in more of a typical good vs. evil continuum, and thus a lot less interesting (although that obviously could change). Does this mean that "BW" is a poor man's "BSG"? Mmmmaybe.

Michelle Ryan is an appealing enogh lead, like a younger, vaguely British Amanda Peet. What's jarring is how quickly she seems to go from being freaked out over the whole being a bionic woman thing to saying "Alright, cool," as is indicated in next week's previews. It's also weird and also fantastic to see Sackhoff in a considerably less butchy role than "BSG" (her makeup in the bar scene towards the end was somewhat disorienting). She's great and deserves a shot on a "real" network - speaking of which, it's odd to see a show like this on an NBC. It's more of a "real" sci-fi show, not a splashy, flashy affair like "Heroes." Nerds are taking over, just like Nostradamus predicted.

I'll stick around for episode two, but to again compare it to "BSG," you have to wonder if the hard science fiction aspects of it might not appeal to the masses. At least on "Battlestar," you've got people flying around in space to begin with, so you expect a certain amount of wackiness. Here, it's "Normal, normal, normal - hey, you have robot limbs and these crazy things crawling around your blood!" - normal, normal, normal." Could give a few cases of genre whiplash.

Hoff to a good start

It's a good time to be David Hasselhoff. Whoa, that doesn't get said a lot. By anyone. Ever. But let's look at the facts. He's a celebrity judge on a moderately popular network summer reality show, and soon to be the star of his own "Curb Your Enthusiasm"-type program, according to this report from Variety. Will David Chokachi be his Richard Lewis?

But wait! That's not all! Variety is also reporting that NBC is looking to reimagine "Knight Rider," "Bionic Woman"/"Battlestar Galactica"-style. Though no Hoff involvement has been announced, it's hard to envision such a project without him.

Speaking of "Curb," it's been really hilarious this season.

'Dancing with the Stars' - Maran out of town

My absolutely unparalleled "Dancing with the Stars" prediction rate remains as accurate as ever - Josie Maran was indeed the first person out on tonight's elimination show. She joins an illustrious group - Paulina Porizkova, Tucker Carlson, Kenny Mayne and original "Bacheorette" Trista Rehn Sutter. Heroes, all. Well, Josie, at least you're not a quitter like that Jimmy from "Kid Nation."

'House' 4.1 - Not accustomed to your face

The first "House" without Foreman, Cameron and Chase - definitely didn't have any of those people in it.

That's surprising. I thought they'd be back by the first episode of this season (maybe not at their old jobs, but at least on the show), but, nope (teasers for next episode show they'll at least be there in ghosty hallunication form, though).

Pretty much, the episode was exactly what it sounds like - an episode of "House," but without most of the supporting cast. The illness o' the week had a good twist, and we got to see hilarious scheming Wilson. But a lot of people were probably hoping to find out more about what the old team is up to, but it looks like we'll have to wait at least a couple weeks for that, since we've got madcap House interviewing job candidates to look forward to next eppy. Which actually does sound fairly great.

Wain over me

Despite it being premiere week, my favorite show right now isn't on that outdated, 20th century contraption, "television," it's online. It's "Wainy Days," a webshow starring David Wain of "The State" and "Stella" fame. Between this and the transcendent "Clark and Michael," it's really great that webshows are now being produced by people that I already like in "real" entertainment instead of just, you know, random nobodies.

And, like "C&M," each episode has been chockablock full of other people I like. So far on "Wainy Days," we've gotten the lovely Elizabeth Banks, the irrepressible A.D. Miles, the inimitable Michael Ian Black, the cagey Ken Marino, the crafty Kerri Kenney, and Callie Thorne, thankfully much less crazy and hard to take than she is on "Rescue Me." The latest episode ensured its place as "Clark and Michael" spiritual successor by featuring "Superbad" star Jonah Hill - plus there was some hot Thomas Lennon action, and it was great to see him playing someone other than Lt. Jim Dangle.

So yeah, watch it. In fact, the first episode is RIGHT HERE! You have no excuse!

Other news

- Adrianne Curry's blog is apparently awesome. Who would guess such a thing? It's made the rounds this week, due to the original "Top Model" winner's declaration that though slavery "does suck some major balls," it's "time to move the fuck on." Bold. And, you know. Disturbing.

- You gotta dig all these specific references to time in this TMZ-Kiefer Sutherland-DUI story. Picture them being preceded by a digital clock and dramatic countdown sounds.

- "Nashville" has been canceled. I was not aware that it had started. The symmetry of it being replaced by "K-Ville" is not unnoticed, though.

- "HIMYM" was very funny Monday night, but I think we can consider any future "lower-back tatoo on slutty girls" jokes, starting with "Wedding Crashers" and ending with that episode, yes, wait, for it...



- I still haven't watched "Chuck," "Heroes" or "Reaper." I fail at life. However, Channel Surfing correspondent Justin Shapiro has weighed in with these insightful words on the "Heroes" season premiere: "That little girl is sassy. I would probably sass the shit out of people if I had Mohinder and fatty as My Two Dads."

'Dancing with the Stars' - Hélio: (not) phoned in

Julianne Hough, who, aside from being adorable, won last year's "DwtS" alongside Apolo Anton Ohno, got the highest score tonight - with her and her partner, some guy I've never heard of (Hélio Castroneves, apparently a race car driver of some kind), leaping in front of the other dudes I've never heard of with a 25 (one point short of Sabrina Bryan's 26 Monday night).

Poor Josie Maran is still the worst, although, unsurprisingly, Floyd Mayweather and Wayne Newton also did pretty poorly (18 and 19, respectively). Maran is still the easy pick for first elimination Wednesday night. As a Phoenix Suns fan, though, the temptation is to root for Mark Cuban to somehow spontaneously combust during the elimination show. And that's not even mentioning his alarmingly offensive hobo routine.

But seriously, who are these dudes? Cameron Mathison? Albert Reed? To quote someone doing a crappy Jerry Seinfeld impression, "who are these people?" How is it that as this show gets more popular, the celebrities get worse? Are they just running out of people that we've heard of that are willing to devote time to learning how to dance and stuff? "Dancing with the Stars," season six, featuring one of the non-Nicole Scherzinger members of Eden's Crush and the reanimated corpse of Richard Mulligan!

'Boston Legal' 4.1 - Wig party

Wacky lawyers? Three-time Emmy award winner James Spader in drag? Rampant cast changes? It must be the fourth season premiere of "Boston Legal"!

Plus, we've got the addition of John Larroquette to the cast (last seen killing himself on "House"), since we obviously needed another sexagenarian actor* on the show given that Rene Auberjonois isn't a series regular any more. Unfortunately, this character is not Dan Fielding 15 years later, as he's kind of a stiff instead of a swingin' ladies name. Disappointing given David E. Kelley's love of TV crossovers (remember "The Practice" meets "Ally McBeal," or as I called it, "Ally McPractice"?), but I'm sure they'll figure out some excuse for a Marsha Warfield guest shot.

Larroquette is even kind of playing the Auberjonois role (albeit surely he'll get in the court room mix more), as the über straightman who's just positively overwhelmed by all the hijinx at C,P&S. But, he showed up to Clarence's singing contest at the end of the episode, so that tension is probably gone. Phew. How long before the Clarence-Jerry Two Stooges act gets old, anyway?

Every season this show has a ton of cast changes, that are never really that well explained (or at all), only to be replaced by new character that will soon disappear mysteriously (remember that young lawyer dude that looked kind of like the lead singer of The Killers?). So yeah, apologies if we don't get too attached, young British lady lawyer. And Brad is an ADA now? OK, great.

The episode itself was alright. It's nice that there's a case that's going to last longer than one ep - there wasn't much of that last season.

*Alright, fine. John Larroquette doesn't turn 60 until November 25. Whatev.

Rudolph reined in

Yeah, never mind. Maya Rudolph is coming back to "SNL" after all.

What a crazy roller coaster of emotions this has been! And the season premiere, I believe their 96th, is just a few days away - this Saturday, Sept. 29, with NBA megastar LeBron James as host and music genius/noted malcontent Kanye West as musical guest.

It's all good, but come on. No more Noonie/Noonie. Please.

'Dancing with the Stars' - Josie grossie

Though co-host Samantha Harris was busy having a baby or something today, "Dancing with the Stars" is back. Of course, being a recognized international "Dancing with the Stars" expert (I talked about the show on the Shane Foxman show on CFUN in Vancouver, after all), I was watching.

First of all, I know they like to milk ratings, but six dances in 90 minutes is really pretty pathetic. That's like 12 minutes of dancing, a really disappointing dancerate. That's a lot of Tom Bergeron (and Drew Lachey, filling in for Harris) padding.

Sabrina Bryan, despite not being someone I've ever heard of, was surprisingly awesome, and they netted a 26 - a tie for the best first-week score ever with season three's powerhouse Mario Lopez/Karina Smirnoff team. Jennie Garth was there. Jane Seymour and Marie Osmond were pleasant enough for people old enough to be my mother - it's nice to see older women on the show for a change, as we've always gotten old dudes (Peterman, George Hamilton, Jerry Springer, Cliff Claven).

Josie Maran, with her 16 out of 30, is an easy pick for the first cut, and I can say that pretty confidently even before any of the men have performed. Despite being terribly attractive, no one knows who she is (Shandi Finnessey syndrome), and she got a freakin' 16 out of 30. Women have a harder time on the show with voters anyway (the voters love hot men/adorably old men), and even if Wayne Newton's hip explodes tomorrow, I still see her getting the first boot.

Maya Rudolph: GET OOOOUUUUUTTTTT

Despite TV Guide's illustrious Michael Ausiello reporting that she's staying, Maya Rudolph, is, in fact, leaving "Saturday Night Live."

Even though she's definitely done some funny stuff - "Wake Up, Wakefield," y'all - it's been about seven years (she started when I was still in high school! yikes!), and I think this is probably the right time for her. Mainly because I'm psyched about not having to see another "Noonie/Noonie" sketch (they have wacky furniture!). Those are "Mad TV"-unfunny (now all we have to do is get rid of "Deep House Dish"). And even though I'm a Rudolph fan and a lot of people seem to love it, I was never sure as to what the point of impersonating Whitney Houston was in the year 2007.

Still, though, she's a real team player, as evidenced by her many roles over the years and many ethnicities she was able to play. Rudolph hasn't been in a ton of non-"SNL" things (she was funny in "Idocracy," though) and I sure hope we'll see her being funny somewhere soon, perhaps in the Judd Apatow-comedy tree mix.

And now there's only two women on "SNL" - Kristen Wiig and Amy Poehler. Two great, great women, but still. We'll see how long that's the case.

You'll be missed!

Manic Monday

Huge, huge, HUGE night tonight. At 7 on CBS, we've got the third season premiere of "How I Met Your Mother," which features the achingly handsome Enrique Iglesias and the ever-effervescent Mandy Moore (playing, hi-lariously, AGAINST TYPE! as a tattooed bad girl) and returns to the single Ted on the prowl action we've all missed.

Then, AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, we've got the series premiere of "Chuck," which of course we've all been looking forward to for months. Well, we've all been seeing promos for it on NBC during "Office" repeats for months, at least. And lots of banner ads online. He's the secret, she's the agent - did you know that? Call me crazy, but I think sparks are going to FLY between those two! Plus, always good to see a "Less Than Perfect" alum in a starring role.

And then, yes, AT THAT SAME EXACT TIME AS THE OTHER TWO SHOWS, there's the fifth season premiere of the almighty "Dancing with the Stars." Aside from Kelly Taylor and Dr. Quinn, the celebrities are all pretty lame this season (Mark Cuban? Wayne Newton? A bunch of people I've never heard of?), but at this point I'm into it more for the professional dancers, as I've become big fans of a lot of them - so psyched to see Anna Trebunskaya back in the mix! And also, um, I like football. I am a manly man! I won't watch "The Bachelor," though. I have my limits.

Then at 8 p.m., of course, the big return of "Heroes" for a second season, which is really just a countdown until Kristen Bell shows up for me. Well, Masi Oka in samurai garb, as seen on the cover of this week's EW, is also pretty alluring.

And then there's "The Big Bang Theory," "Journeyman" and other things I probably won't watch. Is it at least somewhat depressing that the new CBS sitcom is the second thing that pops up when you Google "the big bang theory." I mean, you would hope that at least, say, the top three results were for the actual scientific theory.

And, if I were writing cheesy headlines about tonight's new shows, they'd read like this: "Subscribe to 'The Big Bang Theory,'" "You should be 'up' with 'Chuck" and "Take a trip with 'Journeyman.'" If they suck, just add "not" or "don't" to those.

Bell hooked

In news seemingly conjured up in a fanboy's hot, sweaty, sticky dreams, our beloved Kristen Bell, she of "Veronica Mars" (the amazing yet now-canceled show that I have been spotted cuddling the DVD boxes of) has been linked to a new role on the show on the forefront of most every geek's minds - "Lost." Potentially the greatest intersection of awesome pop culture things since "Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue." You might as well have told me that Spider-Man and Boba Fett were coming to my birthday party.

Nothing's official, yet, but it's also exciting when you think about the implications it has on "Lost." Given what happened at the end of the still boner-hardening third season finale, there are plenty of opportunities to introduce new characters - like the one Bell may or may not play, a "precocious, loquacious and funny" 20something named Charlotte (the 27-year-old Bell playing her age would be kind of disorienting at first).

KB has two movies coming out - including "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," which sounds promising and has a lot of the Apatow gang in it (Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill and "How I Met Your Mother" dude Jason Segel, who wrote the film and stars opposite Bell). IMDb says they've both wrapped, though, presumably leaving her schedule clear to get her "Lost" on. Aww yeah. She's also narrating the new CW series "Gossip Girl," so who knows how that will all shake out - although presumably it'll only be a problem is "GG" isn't canned by the time "Lost" returns in February 2008 (sigh, so far away).

Finally, what does it say about this Internet of ours that this picture is the first to come up when you Google "Kristen Bell"?

Enrique I-wait for it-glesias

Surely you're wondering what "How I Met Your Mother" has up its sleeve for the show's upcoming third season - apparently, late '90s/early '00s pop stars! It's like my senior prom all over again, except with slightly less awkward teen dry humping.

The venerable "Entertainment Tonight" reports that Mandy Moore, fresh from the by all accounts laughless "Licensed to Wed" (or as I call it, "Licensed Towed") will be showing up in at least one episode as a "rebound" gal for Ted, who of course pulled the inevitable plug in his relationship with Robin (whose character is a former Canadian pop star. wild!) on the second season finale. The article quotes EP Carter Bays describing Moore's role as "the tattooed, vodka-swilling trainwreck that Mandy Moore thankfully never turned into." Who could he possibly be referring to?

And according to the ever-effervescent Michael Ausiello, none other than Enrique Iglesias himself will show up starting up with the show's Sept. 24 season premiere, in two episodes as Robin's latest love interest. Whoa, is it smoldering in here or is it just that juicy piece of casting news? It comes at a weird time for me personally, as I hadn't thought about Enrique Iglesias in years (probably in 2003 when he was pretty good in a tiny role in "Once Upon A Time In Mexico") before he was on the local news a couple days ago for some reason (not this reason, sadly "How I Met Your Mother" casting news doesn't make the local news like it used to), and now, here I am, not only thinking about him, but writing about him! No word on if he'll let the rhythm take him over or want to live this night forever.

Upfrontin' - Fox shows what they're going to stall time with before "American Idol" starts

It's the last day of the upfronts, and the two youngest networks - Fox and The CW - announced their fall lineups. "Veronica Mars"-free. Ick. Also, "The War at Home"-free. Yay!

Here's what we've got from Fox:

FOX PRIMETIME SCHEDULE: FALL 2007 (All Times ET/PT)

MONDAY
8:00-9:00 PM PRISON BREAK
9:00-10:00 PM K-VILLE

"K-Ville" is about cops in post-Katrina New Orleans. Interesting, and I hope it shows to more people that New Orleans is still in bad shape, almost two years later.

TUESDAY
8:00-9:00 PM NEW AMSTERDAM
9:00-10:00 PM HOUSE

"New Amsterdam," other than being an Elvis Costello song, is about an immortal detective. Kind of like "Moonlight" on CBS, which is about a vampire detective. And you know, all of the other shows that have been like that.

WEDNESDAY
8:00-8:30 PM BACK TO YOU
8:30-9:00 PM 'TIL DEATH
9:00-10:00 PM BONES

"Back To You" is sort of like "Anchorman" but on TV, and with Kelsey Grammer instead of Will Ferrell and Patricia Heaton instead of Christina Applegate. Still has Fred Willard, though. I'm actually sort of psyched for it. I have a sneaking suspicion it'll be bad, though.

THURSDAY
8:00-9:00 PM ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5th GRADER?
9:00-10:00 PM KITCHEN NIGHTMARES

"Kitchen Nightmares" is a new reality show with Gordon Ramsay, a.k.a. the "Hell's Kitchen" dude, where he travels around the country helping u. Yes, this is a weird choice for a fall lineup. Seems very summer-y, or like something that should be on basic cable, given the many, many, cable shows that are exactly like this.

FRIDAY
8:00-9:00 PM THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN
BAND (working title)
9:00-10:00 PM NASHVILLE (working title)

"Great American Band" = "American Idol" with more people. "Nashville" is a "docu-soap," like "Laguna Beach" or (ugh) "Tuesday Night Book Club," about the music industry there. Sounds like a CMT show. Wow.

SATURDAY 8:00-8:30 PM COPS
8:30-9:00 PM COPS
9:00-10:00 PM AMERICA'S MOST WANTED: AMERICA FIGHTS BACK
11:00 PM-MIDNIGHT MADtv
MIDNIGHT-12:30 AM TALK SHOW WITH SPIKE FERESTEN

No surprises here. On "The Howard Stern Show," Artie Lange had been talking about possibly getting a show post-"Spike Feresten," but apparently that's not (yet) the case.

SUNDAY
7:00-8:00 PM THE OT (NFL post-game)
8:00-8:30 PM THE SIMPSONS
8:30-9:00 PM KING OF THE HILL
9:00-9:30 PM FAMILY GUY
9:30-10:00 PM AMERICAN DAD

Nothing new here, really, except no more "The War at Home" and "The Winner" being official toast (not surprising). "American Dad" just keeps going, man. Who could say why. And if you had bet me cash monies whenever "King of the Hill" started (I think I was in junior high), that it'd still be going on in 2007, I would owe you said cash monies.

Their midseason shows sound a lot more promising. "The Return of Jezebel James," starring the ever-effervescent Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose, is from "Gilmore Girls" creator Amy Sherman-Palladino, and "The Rules of Starting Over" is of course the infamous show Karen on "The Office" (or Rashida Jones, as she is "really called") will be on - along with Craig Bierko, he's always entertaining. Plus, Julianna Margulies is on Yet Another Legal Drama called "Canterbury's Law."

Then there's "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," because what TV needs more of is shows based on characters from 23-year-old sci-fi franchises. I can't wait for the "Johnny 5 Chronicles"!

Next up - The CW.

"Veronica Mars" watch - Day 866

Damn.

If the Suns lose Friday this is the worst week ever.

If you need me, I’ll be on my roof.

More thoughts to come. Right now it's just too soon.

On the bright side, Kristen Bell is the narrator for the new CW show "Gossip Girl." Who needs to watch her on a great show where you can hear her disembodied voice in a show based on a series of young adult novels called "Gossip Girl"? P.S. the answer is me. Sigh.

Wednesday weepings

"American Idol" - Blake in the finals? Exsqueeze me? I baking powder? This guy isn't even lame in the fun, goofy, Taylor Hicks way, he's just totally lame. That video package of him heading back home to the Puget Sound area was INTOLERABLE. I always thought Seattle seemed like a cool place to live but now I'm strongly questioning that. At one point Jordin seemed like a clear favorite, but this dork obviously has a lot of support. At this point, the finals are simply - much like the 2000 presidential election - too close to call.

Melinda really was great, but she never had the starpower to win the whole thing. But seeing Blake get further than her really sucks.

"America's Next Top Model" - I haven't watched this all season, but turned in to it enough to see that "Jaslene" won. Um...yay?

"Lost" - Not much to weep about here. Another awesome episode. This show is on a roll like no other. Obviously Charlie wasn't going to drown (they're not going to tell us he's going to drown and then actually have him drown - that's just not the "Lost" way) but watching him go down there was excruciating - and then - he's OK! And then - a bunch of babes with guns are about to shoot him! And then - end of episode! Ack. His unnecessary paddle smack to the head of Desmond was also pretty great. One wonder if this means a Juliet triple cross.

Phoenix Suns game - UGH. Gave me as many ulcers as this whole "fate of 'Veronica mars'" thing. Speaking of which, watch this space for more news on that very soon. But man, I hate the Spurs. Seriously, I do not like those guys at all.

Schrödinger's Starbuck

In a mystery worthy of Mulder and Scully (or at least that guy from Terminator 2) Cox cable in Tucson has relegated Sci Fi to their “variety tier” on digital cable. When I was in Phoenix, I took its being a part of “normal” cable for granted; then when I got here I found out it was exiled along with oddities like Encore WAM! and the Fox Reality Channel, while far less appealing (to me, anyway) channels such as Hallmark, Oxygen and Versus were part of the basic package. Joni Mitchell was right. You really don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

So I’m currently living with my sister and brother-in-law right now, and am trying not to jeopardize this temporary, freeloading status with initiating sweeping changes to their way of life. They only have basic cable, and don’t seem interested in upgrading. I (try to) deal.

The timing couldn’t be worse, though, with the third season of “Battlestar Galactica” heading into the home stretch. I’ve been downloading the episodes I miss on iTunes the next day, which works just fine, but means I don’t have that instant satisfaction of experiencing it with the rest of the world. That hasn’t been too much of a problem with a couple of relatively uneventful episodes the last few weeks, but that’s no longer the case.

For weeks, it’s been speculated – in sources like this – that something bad would happen to Starbuck on the March 4 episode (“executive producers David Eick and Ron Moore say that a ‘profound’ event involving Starbuck does occur a pivotal Season 3 episode called ‘Maelstrom’ that is scheduled to air March 4,” says the Chicago Tribune). That article ran in early January, I actually had forgotten about it.

Until last night.

A buddy instant messaged me right after the episode aired here, not knowing that I wasn’t able to see it. “How about that,” he asked. I told him that I hadn’t watched it yet, but the damaged had already been done. Now I know something significant happened, 99.9% involving Starbuck. Is she dead? Is she a Cylon? Is she pregnant with Lee Adama’s love child?

I woke up early this morning to see if it was on iTunes yet. It wasn’t. Am I really going to be able to avoid online spoilers until I can watch?

So, much like Schrödinger’s cat, Kara Thrace remains, at least for me, in some sort of mysterious netherworld between alive and dead. So much for death with dignity.

Cliff jumping

John Ratzenberger has brought balance to the Force. The former Cliff Clavin has taken Vincent Pastore’s place on “Dancing with the Stars,” so in case you couldn’t sleep, worried sick that the show wouldn’t have a 60-year-old* former TV star, you can rest easy tonight!

Ratzenberger (not to be confused with the Pope, I think his name is “Ratzinger”) has most recently been heard – not seen – in all the Pixar movies. So kids across America will probably be disappointed when they find out its some older dude, not Hamm from “Toy Story,” cutting rugs on ABC.

*In the interest of fairness, Razenberger doesn’t turn 60 until April 6. Additionally, I thought he’d be older than that by now.

Cameo (Word Up)

Better cameo on last night's "Lost":

This guy:


Or this guy:


Between that episode and "Smokin' Aces," it's really been a banner 2007 for Luis from "Suddenly Susan."

Good episode, too.

Spoiled sport

Here's some news that revealed a little more than your average "this pilot is in development" story. Fox has greenlit a pilot for "The Rules of Starting Over," an oddly generic-sounding sitcom starring Craig Bierko. Now, Bierko's been on "Boston Legal" all season, but just this week we found out that he wasn't the father of Denise's baby and his role has gradually decreased from the fall. Add to that the fact that show has a revolving door cast anyway, it's not that surprising that he's got other stuff in the works.

What is slightly more surprising, though, is revealed in the last paragraph: "Rashida Jones also has been cast in the pilot, playing a partner at a law firm looking for a decent guy."

Even if the show doesn't get picked up, that's obviously a big clue for the future of Jaren (not that you couldn't guess it from the way the last couple episodes have went). I was sort of hoping she'd stick around and serve a purpose other than to torture Jim and Pam 'shippers for another season (not that that isn't a noble pursuit). At least I still have Andy.

You think you know a gay: Revisited

Looks like, months after the original incident, Isaiah Washington may be fired for his use of gay slurs. This, of course, opens up a whole can of discriminatory worms - firing one of the few African-American quasi-leads on a hit show. Especially one that is dating an Asian character. Why couldn't it have been a white guy that was homophobic? That is so racist of T.R. Knight.

New-dio 60

It's back! Now that there's been enough time to react to all of the bad reviews the show has gotten, I can't wait for the "TV critics don't have the right to criticize my show" episode. Nah, actually I started to honestly...enjoy? "Studio 60" the last couple of weeks before the hiatus, heavy-handedly co-opting the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina aside. However, it is really annoying to see the commercials that act like Danny/Jordan (or as I call them, "JorDan") are some sort of fated, star-crossed lovers when that's barely been played up at all on the show. Tonight, the gang takes on the FCC! Take that, conservative patriarchy! (actually, the FCC is a pretty great target, if not done to death, for Sorkin's distinctive, left-leaning preachyness). Here's an interesting article about us folks who actually like the show.

Also new tonight: "Heroes." Are YOU on the list? Probably not. You're not a fictional character.

Short jacked

Cool. Way cooler than McFarlane Toy's "Lost" figures, which were neat but included such shelf-cloggers as "Shannon in a bikini," "Charlie with full-sized Driveshaft ring replica" and "Hurley." According to USA Today, always first with your action figure news, there are plans for a few other Jack toys but maybe not any other characters. That makes sense. Do we really need a tiny Gregory Itzin sitting on our mantle?

Family Ties

With last night's lametacular series premiere of "Dirt," and tonight's surely atrocious premiere of "In Case of Emergency," I think that Courtney Cox and David Arquette are about to set a record for the worst shows by a husband and wife simultaneously on TV. The old record was probably "Ink."

But seriously, has there ever been a bigger crop of losers on a show than "ICoE"? David Arquette, Kelly Hu, Greg Germann, Jonathan Silverman and frickin' Aunt Becky? Amazing.

"Knights of Prosperity" is also on tonight, and as many people know, it was originally called "Let's Rob Mick Jagger," but he didn't want his name on the title (and probably rightly so). I thought "Knights of Prosperity" was at least the title of an obscure Stones tune or something, but, nope, it's just a stupid name.

OC: Officially Canceled

It's sort of weird for a show to end after only four seasons, and I guess it's a testament to the current climate (where series are axed after one episode - "Emily's Reasons Why Not," we're looking at you, right?) that it seems like it's been on for a while. It was supposed to be this generation's "90210," and I guess it's better that it's ending rather than going on for years too long and bringing in a countless number of lame characters.

But anyway, "The O.C." has been canceled. I watched it back when it was the cool thing for people my age (well, slightly younger than me), and ditched it when it was the cool thing to ditch.

In other cancellation news, "The Megan Mullally Show" has gotten the ol' boot, meaning she lasted a shorter amount of time than Tony Danza, Caroline Rhea of Wayne Brady. I think even "The Magic Hour" was on a bit longer.

Auld lang syne language

AND WE'RE BAAAHHHHHHHHHCK. It's a new year full of new posts here at the ol' Channel Surfing. Here's the top ten list for 2006.

In case you don't like reading, here's the quick list:

1. “The Colbert Report”
2. “The Office”
3. “Battlestar Galactica”
4. “24”
5. “Rescue Me”
6. “South Park”
7. “Dog Bites Man”
8. “Veronica Mars”
9. “How I Met Your Mother”
10. “Arrested Development”