Human relations

OMG, Toby trying to ask out Pam. Poby? Tam? TeePee?

Some ultra-hot fanfiction is being written somewhere in this nation right now.

Special guest star

We welcome a diversity of voices here on "Channel Surfing," and from time to time will run insightful, witty and well-written guest pieces. This one comes from loyal reader "Smitty," who is very enthusiastic about "Cash Cab;" so much so that it has made him think that Bob Barker is the host of "Family Feud" and not "The Price is Right."

Can we talk guilty pleasures? (You know, besides hunting down that Screech porno ...)

Have you seen "Cash Cab?" It's a British game show import -- those wacky Brits, always thinking of goofy television when they should be focusing on dental hygiene -- that airs on the Discovery Channel during the day. You know, that time y'all are working and I'm still padding around the living room in my feetie pajamas, kicking a hangover.

Hosted by a stand-up named Ben Bailey -- an affable everydude with a Class E license, it seems -- the show picks up people off the street and gives them a ride in a tricked-out taxi that Bailey drives while giving out trivia questions.

The more questions you get right, the cash prize goes up. Get three wrong, he pulls over and you have to hoof it to your destination yourself. (I've seen the heartless bastard kick people out into the rain.) Then again, if you need help, you can phone a friend (that ol' "Millionaire" gimmick) or even ask somebody off the street. Which tends to be hilarious and/or surreal.

The best part about "Cash Cab" is that, like all game shows, you watch it with an element of fantasy projection. We'd all love to hop into a cab and play some stranger a round of Trivial Pursuit for a cool $1,000. Hell, most of us would just dig getting a free ride. The last time I took a taxi, a couple of weeks ago, the guy found out I was a reporter and tried to get me to review the book he self-published.

It's about a white guy who, like Camus' "The Stranger" on an "American Psycho" bender, starts killing Muslims left and right, apropos nothing. Osama's on the cover, he says. Not my bag of tea, I told him. He sounded depressed.

But I digress.

"Cash Cab." Set your TiVo. Call in sick. It's the best thing to happen to daytime since "The Family Feud."

(Side thought: The only things now keeping "Feud"-master Bob Barker alive are the series of levers, pulleys and spokesmodels propping him up and the continuous infusion of protein-rich leftovers from spayed and neutered animals, which gets fed to him via a tube into that coat pocket where he keeps 100-dollar bills.)

Channel Surfing for Thursday, September 28

Aaron Ashmore, a.k.a "Icetwin," (called so because, well, his twin brother plays Iceman in the "X-Men" movies) last seen as Veronica Mars' untrustworthy (yet now repentant) ex Troy Vanegraff, is going to be Jimmy Olson on "Smallville." He's pretty much the last element of the classic Superman supporting cast to be introduced given that we got Lois Lane and Perry White in recent seasons - pretty cool.

Smallville
7 p.m., The CW
Plenty of geeky fun in the sixth season, like the increasing rift between Clark (Tom Welling) and Lex (Michael Rosenbaum), Lois (Erica Durance) finally developing a passion for journalism and fellow superhero Green Arrow (Justin Harley) showing up. But first Clark has to escape the Phantom Zone while Zod wreaks havoc on Earth — shades of “Superman II.” Then at 8 p.m., “Supernatural” starts a second season of the Winchester brothers investigating the paranormal.

Hey, you can also read about "The Office," "My Name Is Earl" and John freakin' Stamos joining the "ER" Cast here.

Voters: Harry, away

Poor Ashly DelGrosso. The adorable Mormon dancer once again had a disappointing performance on "Dancing with the Stars;" this time her partner was Harry Hamlin was eliminated ("DwtS" superfans remember she was saddled with Master P last time, and finished third out of six with former New Kid Joey McIntyre for the original go 'round).

Harry Hamlin is kind of a blah choice, he wasn't the worst (Jerry Springer and Emmitt Smith both got lower scores this week), but he was never in the upper echelon, and he's simply not as compelling - stirring turns as amoral murderers aside - as his big-lipped wife. Unfortunate, that.

Tricky

A thoroughly unpleasant sentence:

Cameras for "Run's House" were said to be in the hospital last Thursday when the rapper's wife gave birth to a baby whose organs were outside her body.

Bayside low

I guess it had to happen.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar got on "NYPD Blue" and "Commander in Chief." Mario Lopez is practically a national treasure right now. Tiffani Amber Thiessen is known just as much for "90210" as "Saved by the Bell." Jesse Spano was at least in one of the biggest (albeit terrible) cult films of recent history. And Lark Voorhies, well, I'm sure Lark Voorhies has done something.

What does Dustin Diamond have? "Saved by the Bell: The New Class"? Sure, that was great, and everyone loved it and it's now remembered as a television classic, but what else? What next?

Wait...that?

This?

"We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Yikes. The funny part is that this doesn't seem like one of those "released against their will" sex tapes, it seems that Screech very much wants to get his sexual exploits out there for public consumption, which shows that Screech has a pretty skewed sense of what the public wants.

I would definitely watch it, though.

Mars attack

Good news - next week's "Veronica Mars" season premiere is online now, for those who can't wait six more days.

Bad news - it's on MSN.com, so you have to use Microsoft Internet Explorer to watch it. What is this, 1998?

Other news - there's a new opening sequence that wasn't on the screener copy I watched. It's neat, and has a slowed down version of "We Used to be Friends" by the Dandy Warhols.

Channel Surfing for Wednesday, September 27

"One Tree Hill" is finally back! Um, great.

One Tree Hill
8 p.m., The CW
“One Tree Hill” barely squeaked onto the CW network, but here it is in all of its angsty glory. We’ll find out what happened after Cooper (Michael Trucco) and Rachel’s (Danneel Harris) car accident in last season’s finale, while Brooke (Sophia Bush) tells Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) about her “true feelings.”

Read about "America's Next Top Model," "Project Runway" and other Wednesday television programming here.

Obligatory joke

Steven Tyler guest stars on "Two and a Half Men," starring Charlie Sheen, on Monday, and announces he has Hepatitis C on Tuesday. Coincidence?

Nothin' but the dog in me

Wow. Who would have guessed the one-time Laura Elizabeth Ingalls Wilder would be capable of...that thing. Ol' "Nip/Tuck." So goofy.

And gosh, those "Dirt" promos are really evocative of what the show's going to be about. It's apparently about Peter Gabriel. THIS TIME YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.

State of the nation

The rumors are true - the first season of The State is now on iTunes. The show launched the careers of "Stella" trio Michael Ian "I Love the 80s" Black (weird guy on "Ed"), David Wain (director of "Wet Hot American Summer") and Michael Showalter (director and star of "The Baxter"); "Reno 911!" stars Thomas Lennon, Ben Garant and Kerri Kenney; and Ken Marino (Vinnie Van Lowe on "Veronica Mars") - and uh, four other people.

The show was on MTV from 1993-95 and is, well, really funny. With only one way out of print official VHS release, the only way to get your hand on these eps were bootleg tapes with unbelievably questionable video quality - items that remain some of my prized possessions.

If you've never seen it, this sketch is pretty indicative as to why the show was so awesome.

House rules

Did Hugh Laurie write this "attractive teenage girl is in love with House" subplot or what?

(Really obviously) ripped from the headlines

Chevy Chase is guesting on "Law & Order," as, "a television celebrity who is pulled over for drunk driving while wearing blood-soaked clothes, and whose religious prejudice comes out after his arrest." Where do they GET these ideas?

Although the blood-soaked clothes is an intriguing twist.

Love will keep us together

This is much better than that saccharine Jim and Pam promo. It celebrates Angela and Dwight, or "A'ight," as Justin calls them.

Cylon Entertainment

Not exactly the three characters you'd expect to be on the cover of a "Battlestar Galatica" issue of Entertainment Weekly, right? It seemed like one of those multiple cover dealios, and there'd maybe be one with Adama, Apollo and Starbuck. Nope. I can understand why they wanted to put Tricia Helfer on there (boobs), but I don't think anyone could have predicted Mary McDonnell to be on the cover of EW in the year 2006 (until they release "Passion Fish 2," that is).

Good article, even though the constant repitition of "This isn't your typical crappy science fiction! No really! It isn't!" sounds kind of insecure after a while.

Channel Surfing for Tuesday, September 26

As I type this, a repeat of "Cheers" is on Channel 12 - the one where Sam refuses to place a risky bet for Woody, although Woody would have ended up making $10,000. Good news, Dansonites! Some modern day Teddy D action is on the horizon.

Help Me Help You
8:30 p.m., ABC
On his last series, “Becker,” Ted Danson played a disgruntled doctor with a questionable bedside manner. On this new show, Ted Danson plays a disgruntled therapist who is mean to his patients. Call it lateral movement. Jane Kaczmarek guest stars as his wife,who’s leaving him for a car salesman

"Gilmore Girls," "Dancing With the Stars," "Boston Legal" and more, where else but here here here here.

Celebrity Boo-ets 33 1/3

This is pretty much the worst reality show ever.

In a robbery that would make the cast and crew of Money Train jealous, Jai Rodriguez was eliminated from "Celebrity Duets" on Friday. I would have written about it earlier, but I was too busy engaging in high class pursuits like finishing "The Bell Jar" for like the 12th time (the book is so good, it makes me wanna stick my head in an oven!).

Anyway, although some jealous folks questioned the validity of having someone with Broadway experience like Jai on a show like this, he was clearly the best singer, and the American public deserved to see him and Carlton duel in the final round. Instead, we're getting Lucy Lawless and Hal Sparks in the finals (along with Carlton, thank heavens), which is just awkward. They have to know they're much worse.

Really, it's got to be one of two things:

1) People were tired of seeing someone obviously better than anybody else and wanted to vote for all the underdogs. The classic American ideal of punishing someone for being better than us at what they're trying to do.

2) Ol' fashioned gay bashing. Not a comforting thought, and given the considerable gay following Ms. Lawless and Mr. Sparks have, probably not actually the case, but suspicious enough.

Either scenario point to the assertion made in the opening of this post: this is pretty much the worst reality series ever.*

* although not actually nearly as bad as "Temptation Island," "The Will," "Unan1mous," "Who's Your Daddy," "The Littlest Groom," "Skating with Celebrities," "The Anna Nicole Show," "The Simple Life," "Tuesday Night Book Club," "House of Carters"** and many others

** just guessing on that last one, but come on.

Fey, done a way

Watched the "30 Rock" screener today. For all those hoping for an alternative to "Studio 60" that's actually, funny, well...maybe by the second episode.

It's got potential, sure, and Alec Baldwin is solid as always and Tracy Morgan is in "Astronaut Jones" form. Jane Krakowski adds relatively nothing and looks weird on close-ups. Rachel Dratch is misused in a bit "wacky" role, but everyone's going to say that given the circumstances.

But the most disappointing thing about it may be Tina Fey - charming, hilarious Tina Fey - as this episode suggests that she might not be great as, you know, "an actor." Although maybe it's just hard to see know-it-all "Weekend Update" Tina Fey try to be "earnest and sometimes unsure of herself" television writer Tina Fey. Or whatever her
character's name is, I dunno.

Anyway, it's a pilot, and it mostly just sets up the plot, so it very well might got a lot better. Judging by the picture seen here, it should at least win an award for "most inappropriately cheesy promotional photo."

And it's been said like, a lot, but, yes, it really is weird that there are two shows with the exact same premise on simultaneously. Let's get over it starting...now.

Saint misbehavin'

Phew, it was a good thing that the Atlanta Falcons didn't, you know, win - I don't think the American human spirit could have taken the blow.

I had a relatively self-important rant to go here about how little has been done to build up New Orleans over a year since Katrina, and how it's sort of silly and short-sighted to mark a football game as a great triumph with so much not done over there...but that's like, way too serious. Didn't want to give up that great subject title, though.

Maybe in a year's time we can kick off Monday Night Football with Tom Brady and Daunte Culpepper sharing a tasty spanakopita. We must not let the E Coli win.

Honk if you're corny

True faith

The more "Studio 60" mentions the sketch "Crazy Christians," the more credibility it loses with me. That sketch sounds absolutely like the kind of bad TV they're supposedly avoiding. It's also very odd that it exists in a parallel universe where a show exactly like "Saturday Night Live" in every way exists alongside SNL, and is every bit as revered and long-running but no one seems to notice that they're exactly the same.

As Michael Grady pointed out to me today, the main problem with this show is that the comedy bits they show have to be funny - to make Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford taking over (the whole premise of the show, mind you) worthwhile. And Aaron Sorkin, for all of his talents, just isn't that funny - as seen in the Gilbert and Sullivan bit.

The rest was pretty good, although Steven Weber has to feel bad that he looks so much worse than Tim Daly at this point (even though Daly is five years his "senior," as we say. And Daly is undeniably a hunk, right?).

On the side-by-side comparison, you gotta just feel bad for the guy:

Stupid but cancelled

You heard it here first, folks! It looks like "Happy Hour," along with "Justice," are the first cancellations of the fall season. Sure, Fox SAYS that they're coming back, but we all know what replacing a show with repeats three weeks into its run really means. What I don't get is why "Justice," which had more pre-show buzz and bigger stars than the other sort of similar, one-word new Fox dramas "Standoff" and "Vanished," is first to go. What a wacky world.

Channel Surfing for Monday, September 25

Sorry for the lack of updates over the weekend - I was, uh, subscribing to some magazines - but oh boy, we'll make it up.

Heroes
8 p.m., NBC
It’s a “real life” comic book when an eclipse leads to ordinary people getting, you guessed it, extraordinary powers. The series premiere is “presented with limited commercial interruptions,” whatever that means. Aren’t all ads limited by the amount of time in an hour?

The rest, like the millionth "7th Heaven" season premiere, are where? Here!

Grey days

There's an early winner in the Thursday night "CSI"/"Grey's Anatomy" war, and yep, it's "Grey's Anatomy" - especially in the key 18-49 demographic, once again proving my theory that only old people like watching dead bodies getting cut up. And they love Gil Grissom. Who could say why?

Channel Surfing for Friday, September 22

Ghost Whisperer
7 p.m., CBS
The second season picks up where the last one left off, with Andrea (Aisha Tyler) dead as a result of a plane crash and Death (John Walcutt) on her spirit’s trail. Jay Mohr joins the cast as an occult expert professor — sure, why not. Jennifer Finnigan returns for a second season of “Close to Home” at 8 p.m.

CBS should come up for a name for its Friday lineup of dramas, like "TGIF," but...well, maybe since ABC hasn't used that in a few years, they can snatch it up. It's not exactly tonally appropriate, but so many great memories!

Rest, like the 17th season premiere of "Law & Order," here.

Separated at birth?

Downlading updates

A lot of people thought Seth Meyers would take over on Weekend Update for Jimmy Fallon - that didn't happen, but he's finally getting a shot. Teaming with Amy Poehler gives me great Spy Glass memories, but it'll probably be...not that funny.

Live "Office" finale thoughts!

7:29 - B.J. Novak has a haircut!

7:32 - Haha, "How you can do that to another dude."

7:31 - On the DVD commentaries, it was indicated that they would have a new opening for season 3 - guess not. LAME.

7:34 - Ed Helms! I wonder if Jim's new job will stick, or it'll be like the 1/2 episode where Elliot worked at a different hospital on "Scrubs." Hey, Rashida Jones. It probably won't stick.

7:37 - Oh man, gorillas! Giant ones! And a Jeep of some kind! This episode has taken a weird turn.

7:40 - Poor Roy.

7:41 - Jell-O callback? HELL YES.

7:44 - This is surprisingly tense and mean-spirited compared to season 2. Oh hey, it's that stupid Audrey Hepburn commercial. Phew, I needed that break.

7:48 - HOLY CRAP. PROFESSOR LASKY ON A HYUNDAI COMMERCIAL. That guy's everywhere.

7:50 - "Sounds great."

7:52 - I don't know how bad we're really supposed to feel for Michael here - I'm down with the "Michael's not that bad" school of thought, but he mos def had it coming. I just don't know what to think!

7:55 - "Or he said." Predictable? More like predictalicious. These hip new NBC bumpers are really, uh, something. They're no CW, man.

7:58 - Well, the fans who hoped that this would be 30 minutes of Jim and Pam humping are disappointed. I am not.

Waiting for tonight (whoa oh)

Conversation with my east coast friend Justin:

Albert: HOW WAS IT
Albert: And by it I mean the first 34 minutes of Deal or no Deal, of course
Justin: I can't wait to talk about it with you
Justin: the number of deals that were on the table
Albert: And briefcases
Justin: the briefcases
Justin: it was all too much
Albert: I can imagine
Albert: Not to mention the briefcase babes

Office politics

Colbert really is right about The New York Times - not only did they spoil tonight's season premiere of "The Office," according to Jenna Fischer, it wasn't even an accurate spoiler!

Puppet regime

It's been "Ventriloquist Week" all week on Letterman, and tonight Jeff Dunham will be on. Normally this wouldn't be so newsworthy, but Dunham is playing the Tempe Improv all weekend and our very own Thomas Bond is opening, so that means that for one week only, they'll only be like two degrees of separation between me and Letterman. Exciting stuff!

Channel Surfing for Thursday, September 21

Oh boy. It's finally here.

The Office
7:30 p.m., NBC
It’s the third-season premiere, and Michael has inadvertently outed a gay employee (it’s got to be Oscar, right?), which leads to — blah blah blah, what we all want is to know what happened after Pam and Jim finally locked lips in the season finale! Are they together? Did Pam ditch lunkhead fiance Roy? The answers are a scant few hours away.

It's a big night otherwise, with "Grey's Anatomy," "CSI," "ER" and "My Name Is Earl," read about it here!

Crisis on Infinite Scrubs

At this time last year, there was only one season of "Scrubs" out on DVD, there were no repeats to be found on TV and we didn't know when the fifth season would start.

Now there are there three DVD seasons out (with a fourth on the way in less than a month), repeats on no less than three stations and well, no clue on when the sixth season's gonna start (the more things change...).

If you really wanted to, you could watch nearly three hours of uninterrupted "Scrubs" here in the Valley area: 7 and 7:30 p.m. on Comedy Central, 8:30 and 9 p.m. on WGN and 9:30 p.m. on CW6. Seeing the repeats on WGN, with the single camera style and the weak signal that makes everything on WGN look crappy, is kind of weird; it sort of makes "Scrubs" look like some bad late '80s/early '90s comedy that is on WGN all the time. I dunno, "Airheads" maybe. Or "While You Were Sleeping."

The point is that's a whole lot of Dr. John Dorian, people, especially if you saw "The Last Kiss" over the weekend. "Scrubs" is the new "That '70s Show" repeats, which was the new "Seinfeld" repeats, which was the new "The Cosby Show" repeats. Or something.

For the seafood lover in you

So who else has been reading up on Ectrodactyly since finding out that Sean and Julia's kid on "Nip/Tuck" has it?

It's sort of terrible that its common name really is "lobster claw syndrome." You would think medical professionals could show a little bit more sensitivity. It's like that old Seinfeld joke about how the name "rhinoplasty" effectively compares needing a nose job to looking like a rhinoceros.

Note: I do not recommend doing a Google image search for "Ectrodactyly." Really.

Voters: Meet the Eliminated-ers

Shanna Moakler, who along with pro partner Jesse DeSoto performed better than four other teams Tuesday, is the second person gone from "Dancing with the Stars."

It came down to her and Willa Ford - the obvious implication being that the American voting populace doesn't care much for skanky blondes. Or people they've never heard of before.

The most offensive thing about Moakler is that she's apparently only 31 - there's a lot of wear and tear on that face. She looks like Morgan Fairchild's only slightly younger sister. Slightly.

So Jerry Springer, who a lot of people picked as an early elimination, sticks around - not that surprising given his loyal, powerful and motivated white trash fan base and the fact that he really isn't all that bad.

I hope not too many of Mario Lopez's housewife/old person fans watched him on "Nip/Tuck" last night - they might have been a little disturbed by seeing him suck fat out of Julian McMahon's butt (surgically, of course).

Speaking of her, is anyone watching that myNetworkTV stuff? Anyone? At all? Ever? Even for a second, by accident?

America's Next Top Creepy Girls

There goes every man's twin fantasy.

Amanda and Michelle, the twins who made it into the final 13 "America's Next Top Model" contestants, really throw the whole validity of the competition into question - by now we should be used to "ANTM" contestants that aren't attractive in the conventional red-blooded male sense, but these two have a distinct malnourished, "just wondered off the set of a kiddie porn shoot" look. They look very much like the kind of nerdy, bookish girl I knew in high school who wasn't asked to prom, wrote poetry and read Anne McCaffrey novels about dragons. Oh, and never, ever saw the sun. I guess there's something empowering about girls that look like these two competing for the title of "Top Model," but that doesn't mean I have to be excited about watching it.

They've nicely set up Melrose for what they call in the pro wrestling business a "face turn" - when a "heel" (bad guy wrestler) gradually wins back the fan's respect through good deeds and sorrow for their past misdeeds. Well, actually in pro wrestling it's mainly through beating up the bad guys instead of the good guys, but you know, I could see it happening either way. You really felt bad for Christian, though, because the reasons to eliminate Melrose seemed way more convincing than the case against her. But Christian, let's face it, is kinda fugly.

I had a really hard time buying Tyra Banks giving people style tips at the end given the "On the Good Ship Lollypop" look she was sporting. I'll leave it to Sam to comment on how heavy she looked.

I like Brooke so far simply for being the most conventionally good looking of the group (which means she doesn't have a chance) and that is exactly how shallow I am. A.J. looks like she could have a cute, quasi-Suicide Girls (except actually attractive and not gross) thing going on but her whimpering didn't do her many favors.

The biggest problem I have with this show is that at least on "American Idol," even though some of the winners turned out to be totally lame, they at least have Kelly Clarkson to look to - who do contestants have on this show? Oh right.

Live through this

Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell and Finesse Mitchell are all out of this season's "Saturday Night Live." I can totally live with these choices - Sanz never had much to do without Jimmy Fallon to crack up in sketches with, and recurring characters like "I'm Carol!" is the kind of stuff Judd Hirsch was bashing at the beginning of "Studio 60." The only really memorable character he had was the guy that drew dirty pictures on Weekend Update, but he hasn't done that in at least 5 years and I almost forgot about it so it couldn't have been that memorable.

Parnell was already fired once and is only sporadically funny, and as much as "Lazy Sunday" might have propelled him a few more years, it's probably time to move on. And the only person I know who dug "Merv the Perv" is my brother who can always be counted on to quote it inappropriately (hint: any time is inappropriate).

Finesse Mitchell was in maybe four sketches total his three seasons.

Kenan Thompson sticking around, despite rumors, is a godsend; who would have guessed I'd be saying that about the co-star of "Good Burger"?

But Dane Cook hosting again? The season premiere? Blech.

Channel Surfing for Wednesday, September 20

Boom goes the dynamite! Are you ready for the birth of The CW? Or more importantly, are you ready for the "modelicious" "glamorama"? Is someone ready to tell me what that means?

America's Next Top Model
7 p.m., CW
Witness the miracle of life: Like the Phoenix of myth, CW is rising from the ashes of the WB and UPN. With it comes “America’s Next Top Model,” with 13 new finalists including twins Amanda and Michelle. Wait it out another hour for more reality fashion goodness in the form of “Project Runway” (10 p.m., Bravo).

The rest, like "Jericho" (featuring the return of Skeet Ulrich!) and "CSI: NY" (featuring the return of Claire Forlani!) here.

Another reason Colbert is right about The New York Times

Hey, do you guys like huge spoilers from "The Office" season premiere nonchalantly revealed in seemingly off-topic TV articles? Well now's your chance!

Not so lucky

OMG its Feely: OH NO
OMG its Feely: LUCKY LOUIE GOT CANCELLED

It's true.

Channel Surfing for Tuesday, September 19

One of these days I will learn how to pronounce "Auberjonois" correctly. And I took French for five years!

Boston Legal
9 p.m., ABC
Michael J. Fox is back as cancer-stricken millionaire Daniel Post, who gets in legal trouble for trying to buy a healthy lung. Christian Clemenson is also back in his Emmy-winning role of “Hands,” as is Parker Posey, who continues to pique Alan’s curiosity. William Shatner and Candice Bergen are back, too. And oh yeah, Julie Bowen, Rene Auberjonois and Mark Valley, too. That’s a lot of actors.

The rest? Why, here, of course!

DVDeconstruction

Do you guys remember the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards? Sadly they haven't happened since 2001 (and they apparently blamed it on 9/11). It's a shame for such a rich prize to lay dormant like this, thus I am officially declaring my co-opting of the awards to...award things of merit in the land of "Chanel Surfing."

So I hereby bestow a Blockbuster Entertainment Award on the best DVD out this week:

The "Battlestar Galactica" DVD sets are annoyingly expensive, but if you're like me and out partying (read: hosting Vampire: The Masquerade parties) on Friday nights, they're necessary just the same. And anyway, I gotta get my James Callis fix in somehow, right? Wait, wait, I mean my Tricia Helfer fix. Girls are pretty. Girls girls girls.

Target has it for $37.99, which is $3 more than Best Buy, but you get a $5 gift card - which I also got for buying "Arrested Development" season 3 there. Which means I'll be purchasing season 2.5 for free! Or, $27.99. One of the two, I forget.

I'm overdoing it with the links, aren't I? Is there really anyone out there who can't guess that Target's Web site is www.target.com?

Other stuff out this week include: "The Chris Rock Show," which seems like it would be rather dated now; "Footballers' Wives - Season 3," in case you need to feel better about how your teeth look (that's cutting edge humor, friends); "Gilmore Girls - The Complete 6th Season," which got pretty mixed reviews from the Gilmore Girl fanatics (or as I call them, "dorks); "My Name Is Earl - The Complete 1st Season," if you're looking for a nice show for the nice people (or if you're a Scientologist) and "The Unit - Season 1," for those who want to pretend the president on "24" faked his death and went into the military.

And oh yeah, HE-MAN.

What's more exciting?

Bill Clinton on "The Daily Show" or a new Tek Jansen animated short on "The Colbert Report"?

That's a decision I never want to have to make.

Could I BE any more running a late night sketch comedy show?

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," for me, succeeded in a lot of the "The West Wing" never did. Mainly because I don't really care about politics yet really like TV (which is why I liked "Sports Night" more - although it only being a half hour might have had something to do with it), so I was able to be a lot more interested (I didn't fall asleep once, a new record for a Sorkin show, I think). Plus, you know, Chandler.

You knew Judd Hirsch (I still call him "Dear John") was toast as soon as he showed up, what with still being Papa "Numb3rs" and all. It's funny that in the very first scene of an Aaron Sorkin Drama (TM) he has a character deliver the exact kind of self-indulgent monologue that he's been mocked for.

Overall, good stuff, even if Bradley Whitford seems terribly miscast as a hip, edgy comedy genius/recovering drug addict. I'm not totally sold on how interesting it'll be to watch on a week-to-week basis, as the first episode plays out like the first 42 minutes of a movie.

Throw the MySpace down the well

Our good friend Borat from "Da Ali G Show" has a movie, as we all know. It looks great from the trailer.

Now, if you've somehow missed the omnipresent MySpace promotion about it, they're doing a "Black Carpet" screening - whatever that is - this Wednesday in 20 cities around the world, and we're one! Yippee! Here's the info:

PHOENIX
Harkins Arizona Mills
5000 E Arizona Mills Circle
Tempe, Arizona 85254
Doors: 9pm

To get in, you have to add this and this profile to your friends list, put them in your "top friends," print out a copy of your profile page - and they don't say it, but you know, change it back to normal right after - and show up to the theater (hours before if you want in, I reckon). Will showing up to a movie clutching tightly a printed out copy of your MySpace profile be the nerdiest thing you've ever done in your life? I guess that depends.

Fall in to the crap

It must suck to be a dead-for-13-years film legend shilling pocket tees on a ridiculous commercial.

Jason Ritter: one class act

It really makes uncomfortable that on "The Class" (both the advertising and the actual show) they keep reiterating that it's a "third grade class reunion," because who actually would call it that? Most people go to at least the same elementary school, and that's usually first to fifth grade. It's not like your classmates are that different from third grade to fourth grade. You would call it an "elementary school reunion," right? It's not like a ten year high school reunion is a "12th grade reunion." The show wasn't that great, either.

"How I Met Your Mother" was cool, though, and it's refreshing to see a sitcom - at least temporarily - try and shake things up. Unlike, say, "Two and a Half Men" or "The New Adventures of Old Christine," which both pain-stakingly went back to their (not that great) status quo after threatening to tinker with them on the season finales.

There was a time in my life when I considered myself way too cool for CBS sitcoms. Sigh.

Really, really friendly skies

Just a sampling of the 132 customer reviews for "Wings" on Amazon:

"'Wings' is one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, if not the greatest. Very few shows offer as many constant laughs and endearing, heart warming stories with characters that became comedy legends...Truly a classic sitcom, one that I personally love and never tire of, so I cannot wait to finally get my hands on this wonderful DVD collection after waiting all these years."

"I LOVE Wings. I used to come home from work everyday and flip on this show and totally unwind. Never a lousy or mediocre episode. I would laugh like a fool at the antics of the mismatched cast. Great, funny writing."

"i've always been a huge fan of 'wings' and am thrilled it's finally being released on DVD (now i can jettison the 30-odd VHS tapes i've carried with me through 5 moves!)."

"My wife and I absolutely loved Wings. We watched it EVERY single day when it was on the USA network. Usually all four episodes. It was our daily ritual."

"This is the best sitcom ever made. The chemistry between all of the cast members is incredible and unique."

"Wings is by far the best tv sitcom ever made. I am so happy it's finally being released on DVD. I used to stay up until 3:00 am just to watch it."

"Well, it's finally coming. I will be on vacation when Wings is released. I'm gonna pack my DVD player and go out and buy it first thing that morning."

"I have got to pinch myself to see if i am just having a dream. I honestly thought they'd never release wings on DVD."

Devoted fans, or a bored Crystal Bernard with an endless supply of psuedonyms?

Say a little prayer for I

I've been mourning The WB
all weekend. The sendoff tonight did a little bit to help work through some of the pain, but it'll take a while, a few more minutes at least. At least they brought back both Michigan J. Frog and the inappropriately old soudning voiceover guy for one night only. I had forgotten Amanda Peet started her career on The WB! (and tomorrow her TV career begins anew on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip." Coincidence, or total cosmic convergence? You make the call).

The expectedly overblown bumpers proclaimed The WB to be "the network that defined a generation," which is stretching, but from, say, 1998-2002 it really did have a stronger style and identity for a network than I've ever seen before. Sure, a lot of that may be from having a bunch of extremely similar shows, but still, admirable. And using "fresh" as a euphemism for a new episode was pretty genius.

Given a few years of distance, I have to say that it's pretty amazing that anyone ever bought James Van Der Beek (given the once prominent status of our big-foreheaded friend, isn't it weird that he hasn't really done anything post-"Dawson's"?) as a high school sophomore. On the "Dawson's Creek" pilot he says something like "But I'm 15" and I LOLed for real. What an old looking guy. And man, Pacey was unlikeable that first season. Holy cats. The show definitely exists as a product of its time; I can't imagine it would be as well-received now. It's just way too unsubtle with its portrayal of horny teenagers, and the idea that some middle aged men was writing it all was just really creepy (thankfully, since every actor on the show looked about 30, it was never actually crepy to watch). But in that first episode, every big vocabularied word out of someone's mouth is genitalia this, lost my virginity that.

It was cool to see "Buffy" and "Angel" on normal TV one last time though. Why have those pretty much disappeared from syndication already?

Here's an interesting article abotu the whole thing.

It's unfortunate UPN didn't get a similar sendoff, but I'll never forget them for this piece of TV history:

"15" miles on the eerie canal

And they're still planning on continuing the videos? There's no better way to ensure your unhipness with youth culture than apearing on Leno.

Let's go surfing...now

Quiet day, except for lots of pregnancies and death. The circle of life!

Channel Surfing through Monday is here.

Channel Surfing for Friday, September 15

Teen Titans: Trouble in Tokyo
7:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
This TV movie is the swan song for the “Teen Titans” series, which ends its run after airing on the Cartoon Network the past three years. Based on the classic DC Comics team, this story takes the characters to Japan — appropriate given the show’s distinct (and sometimes distracting) animé influences.

The rest is here, and I promise there are some...jokes (Teen Titans is a serious matter, natch).

Exist 2 Inspire

Based on the television commercials, "Gridiron Gang" is apparently just two hours of The Rock yelling inspirational things at troubled youth.

"NO MATTER WERE YOU CAME FROM, THIS IS YOUR HOOD NOW!"

"BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, THAT'S ALL YOU NEED."

"THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO PROVE THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE LOCKED UP, YOU ARE SOMEBODY!"

Mega-Huge Veronica Mars season 3 spoiler!

No, not really.

But Patrick Fabian, who played Kelly's hunky Professor Lasky on "Saved By the Bell: The College Years" is in the first episode as...Veronica's hunky criminology professor (you know, because so many first semester freshmen take criminology classes). Whether or not his casting is at least partly Rob Thomas tongue-in-cheekiness, the kind that casts Laura San Giacomo as a love interest for Keith Mars, who knows.

The second episode has another cool professor cameo, a cast member of one of the biggest shows in TV history. Who wants to guess?

Wii the people

(Video games count, right? I mean you play them on a TV...mostly)

The Nintendo Wii finally has a release date! November 19, $249 - more than the $199 originally hoped/speculated but much less than the PS3, which should be out...somewhere around that time. It also comes with "Wii Sports" as a pack-in, which is probably nothing more than a few quick games to show off the motion-sensitive Wii remote (which totally should be called the "Wiimote").

It's not all rainbows and butterflies. The roster of launch titles - with no Mario or Metroid until 2007 - is thinner than [INSERT KATE MOSS JOKE HERE] and there's no DVD playback after all, which is a bizarre move given how the lack of multimedia functions hurt the Game Cube against the PS2 and Xbox (and PS3 having Blu-Ray capability and all).

Channel Surfing for Thursday, September 14

That oh-so controversial new "Survivor" season starts tonight.

Survivor: Cook Islands
7 p.m., CBS
So we all know this season’s twist by now: The teams are divided by race, instead of the usual random order. It’s sort of blown out of proportion, because the teams ultimately don’t matter all that much, but producer Mark Burnett and company certainly got the publicity out of it they wanted. It’s surely the most Asians ever on a reality show, until my pilot “America’s Next Top Samurai” gets greenlit.

The rest like "The Underground" and more "Celebrity Duets" - here.

Don't forget my homeboy Sam Mittelsteadt's eerily meticulous Project Runway blog.

You've got mail

Just in courtesy of the United States Postal Service and The CW television network: the first two episodes of the third season of "Veronica Mars."

To paraphrase Ice Cube, today's gonna be a good day.

Tales to Astonish

Imagine my excitement while watching "The Office" season 2 on DVD tonight and realizing that the same kid that Charlie thought was his on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is the kid that played Merdeth's son on the "Take Your Daughter to Work Day" episode.

Norm MacDonald was on Letterman tonight, and after all these years I can't get over how funny that guy is. The fact that he hasn't been able to find success in TV or movies or...any of that stuff...is criminal. He's got a new comedy CD, though, which came out this week after being in the works for years.

This fella won "Rock Star," and it turns out the band can't call themselves "Supernova" do to a legal disptue. Amazingly, another band wanted to call themselves that terrible, terrible name first.

Voters: Go Tuck(er Carlson) yourself

In a move only shocking to people who are completely incapable of not being shocked, Tucker Carlson is the first person out on "Dancing with the Stars." It's sad that he never got a chance to use the line "Political pundit? More like political fundit!" I guess he can now go back to ruining America.

So dorky the con of man

I guess the true nature of the lonelygirl15 mystery has been revealed. Pretty disappointing, really, it would have been a kind of cool lead-in to a horror movie or TV show. Instead it's just some nerds nerdin' around.

Are people still going to watch, given that part of the fun was trying to figure out what was going on? Is this going to start some sort of goofy trend of people trying to (poorly) blur the lines of fact and fiction? Do you care?

I still hope she gets sacrificed on October 12, though.

Channel Surfing for Wednesday, September 13

Today's Channel Surfing, today! And late!

Jimmy Kimmel Live’s All-Star Salute to Jimmy Kimmel Live!
9 p.m., ABC
Who would guess that “Jimmy Kimmel Live” would get renewed through 2008? In honor of this surprising news, ABC is feting the late night talker with a prime time special. Although the caliber of guests pales in comparison to Dave or Jay’s, it’s been fairly innovative with stunt episodes directed by Quentin Tarantino and J.J. Abrams and the Internet-popular “This Week in Unnecessary Censorship.”

All this and more, like "Bones," "Dateline" and the season finale of "Blade" can be found here.

Other news

- Unintentional comedy: radio ads for this week's "House" have ol' Greg saying "The lab couldn't identify the metal. They don't even think it's terrestrial." in a real dramatic voice, like that's a big mysterious plot point. But in the actual episode (and the "scenes from next week teaser on the season premiere) it's just a quick gag, and he immediately says, "No. It's titanium" and that's pretty much the end of that.

- If you haven't heard or seen it yet, Keith Olbermann laid the smackdown on Bush pretty bad Monday night. It's a way better read than your average Dan Patrick ESPN the Magazine column. It was the second boldest political condemnation I saw on 9/11, after this Ted Rall comic strip.

- Finally, a good use for all those Gregory Itzin shower pictures I've somehow accumulated over the years! In other "24" news, Babe's owner is Jack Bauer's dad. I would not have guessed.

- Tomorrow is the first day for Meredith Vieria on "Today." which means those "It's a New Day" commercials might finally stop.

- Looks like Patton Oswalt got his wish!

- This is such a non-story, and it's annoying to see how many places it's popping up. Not only can we obviously not discount the possibility of Eva Longoria ever doing TV again (and nor can she - and if she does, she'll get taunted for these comments), but with people like Kiefer Sutherland finding so much success in TV, it's actually a little insulting to see her go back to the "TV good, movies better" mentality. But I still wanna say hi to her at the Hispanic Women's Conference in Phoenix.

- Some dude won "Big Brother." I know very few people who will admit to seeing a "Big Brother," even by accident.

- Not only is John Leguizamo going to be on a new Spike TV show, he's also apparently a terrible person.

- Music videos in old tyme settings are officially tired - The Killers, Panic! at the Disco, now Evanescence. And that song. YIKES.

- Alanis Morissette as the love interest of Liz Cruz on "Nip/Tuck"? She could do better (I'm talking about Liz).

- Don't forget about the Ricky Gervais video podcasts!

Early "Dancing with the Stars" thoughts

Oh dear, Tucker's wearing the bowtie.

The Italian dude is playing the role of "jerk judge" this season, it seems. Make sense since it was the Asian lady the first season and the British guy for the second one.

I miss Anna Trebunskaya. She was so great, fighting for Jerry Rice's rights and all.

It's going to be weird seeing Harry Hamlim smiling and dancing after all those terrible things he did as Aaron
Echolls. Although the Aaron Echolls character, sort of a washed up movie star, seems like a perfect fit for "Dancing with the Stars" if it indeed exists in the "Veronica Mars" universe.

I'm sort of more looking forward to watching "House" on tape.

I still don't really know who Monique Coleman is! She seems sort of emotionally...sad.

To err, divine

So even though I just said that season 2 of "The Office" wasn't an "urgent" buy, it turns out that Circuit City has mispriced it at $17.99, when it should be something like 30 bucks. It's only in the actual stores, though, so you'll have to brave going inside of a Circuit City to get it. I know, not exactly desirable. But it says $17.99 on the shelf and rings up for that, too (it's $30 on the Web site). So pick it up before they fix it. I did!

Also, apparently TV Shows on DVD has failed me and "The Swan" isn't out until October 24. Thanks, Christopher Robin!

Politics of Dancing (with the Stars)

Here's a li'l preview of this season's "Dancing with the Stars," which starts up tonight. It should be noted that I was calling Mario Lopez as the early favorite long before bookies said he was favored to win. Now, there's no documentation or any way I can prove this, but of all the things to lie about, Mario Lopez's chance on "Dancing with the Stars" is among the more ridiculous.

Here's a sample:

"Willa Ford: Wannabe Britney Spears who was famous for about a week five years ago, when being a wannabe Britney Spears was still worthwhile."

Read the rest (and no, I didn't come up with that goofy headline) riiiiight here.

DVDeconstruction

Hey! It's today's TV on DVD releases!

First, a shout out to the pick of the week:

Aww yeah. "Stella" never really had much a fighting chance by virtue of the fact that it was simply too weird to live, but for those of us that like that style of comedy, it was just right. Paired with the much more conventional, and by that I mean successful, (yet still hilarious) "Reno 911", it gave displaced "The State" fans
six-eleventh of their favorite comedy troupe every Sunday night for 10 glorious weeks. Wow, that sounds pretty pathetic written out like that.

I never watched too much of "Black.White," but I did think that the cast members made to look white eerily resembled the Duracell family. Maybe I'm alone on that one, I don't know.

This right here is the "money" "Diagnosis: Murder" season, because ScottBaio left the show after season 2 (to do...something worthwhile, surely), so really, all you've got with no Baio is just a cranky Dick Van Dyke being a doctor and solving mysteries. Which is great, sure, but do you really need more than a couple seasons of that? OK, I'll admit I've never watched this show.

If you're of the female persuasion (READ: a girl), you already know and love "Grey's Anatomy." If you're a dude and you love "Grey's Anatomy," you're used to getting shoved in lockers. Anyway, this season made the show even more insanely popular, the biggest hospital drama since some thing that involves letters somehow. I dunno. "Grey's also has a Super Bowl cliffhanger episode involving a bomb in a guy's chest...I think. I might have fallen asleep; it was a long day.

"Las Vegas" is a great show if you love old men and hot babes.

It is more painful than you could ever know to not give my coveted John Madden Pick of the Week to season 2 of "The Office," since it was truly great, and expanded on every way of the merely OK season 1 (which, in its defense, was only six episodes. Not that the British "Office" didn't do awesome things in six episodes, but those Brits are wily and thus not comparable). However the repeats were on so much over the summer that this doesn't seem that, um, urgent, of a purchase. But who wouldn't want to relive theDundies every day of their lives?

"Roseanne" season 5 had "Scrubs" and "The 'Bu" star Sarah Chalke take over the role of Becky, and immediately people were suspicious given that she was way too attractive to be part of the Connor family.

Season 5 of "Smallvile" had James "Spike" Marsters as a
classic Superman villain, a huge character death, Lex and Lana romance and lots of Erica Durance, yet I still couldn't care all that much. Sad times.

"The Swan," or as beloved stand-up comedian Michael Gelbart calls it, "From 0s to 7s."